When it comes to how I look, it’s all about time. Or no time.
You can buy a big tube of generic Preparation H for about $3 and it will last forever.
Ravishly Editor in Chief extraordinaire Joni Edelman shared her beauty secrets the other day and inspired me to share some of my own.
Like Joni, I’m a mom with a husband and kids and a dog and some deadlines and the kids’ Valentine’s Day parties are coming up and — cripes! Did I remember to buy sprinkles and icing for the cookie thing? Gah.
So when it comes to how I look, it’s all about time. Or no time. I’m also all about cheap because I have to buy sprinkles and icing for Valentine’s parties or Whatever parties every time I turn around.
However, I am self-centered enough to not want to look like a hot mess, so I’ve developed an arsenal of tricks to present my best face (and ass and boobs) to the world every day.
So, forthwith are my beauty secrets!
1. Buy good bras.
This actually goes against my cheap edict. But if you’re a bra-wearer, get the best ones you can afford.
And get fitted so they’re the right bras for your body. Everything looks and feels better if your rack is sitting comfortably on your chest.
2. Buy good jeans.
You are too mature and too busy to be hauling up the waistband of your jeans every two seconds, and you do not deserve that awful feeling of the crotch of jeans cutting into your most sensitive bits.
You don’t have to spend a lot of money, but you do need to take the time to try before you buy.
Don’t settle for almost-fitting. Keep looking, or get a tailor to alter the non-fitting bits. Your ass will thank you.
3. Hemorrhoid cream works better than any fancy cream for bags under your eyes.
Michael Caine taught us all this in Miss Congeniality, and he was right. It’s a vasoconstrictor, which is a science-y way of saying it will tighten shit up.
You can buy a big tube of generic Preparation H for about $3 and it will last forever. Just be sure to get the cream — not the ointment.
4. Baby wipes take off make-up just as well as make-up remover wipes.
Back in my theatre days, we all used baby wipes to get the greasepaint off our faces after shows. They were easier on the skin than scrubbing with cleansers.
Nowadays you can get special wipes for make-up, but they’re not any better than baby wipes — and they cost more.
5. Fish oil supplements help with dry skin.
My eye doctor suggested them for dry eyes at one point, and they helped with that for sure.
I also noticed that I didn’t get my usual dry, ouchy winter skin after I started taking them.
6. Choose hair care products based on how good they smell.
I have very fine, very curly hair that goes frizzy at the least provocation. I’ve bought hair care products by the gallon, at every price point, and all I ever got was a shower full of broken promises.
Resign yourself to the notion that shampoo makes your hair clean and conditioner makes your hair easy to brush. There are no miracles in those bottles, so just pick good fragrances.
So, there you go. Follow these tips and you will look well-rested, you will not have camel toe, your underwire won’t poke you in the armpit, your hair will smell nice, your knuckles might not crack in the cold weather, and you will have enough money leftover for icing and sprinkles for the next absurd elementary school party. Huzzah!