Today, the New York Post ran this provocative headline:
Doritos to make ‘lady-friendly’ chips that don’t crunch for women
The article went on to talk about how Doritos has done actual market research that tells them that women “don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers.”
Stand back because I have a take on this hotter than Peter Dinklage rapping in the Doritos Blaze ad that ran during the big game last night.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
First of all, let’s address the fact that when women talk about their behavior “in public”, that’s code for “in front of men.” I’m pretty sure no woman is worried about what her book club friends think of her licking Dorito dust off her fingers. And if they see her shaking the last few crumbs into her mouth, they’re not put off by her actions. They’re just sad because there are no more Doritos.
So this is Doritos caving in to the patriarchy by saying “Yes. Yes, women need to eat as daintily as little Snow White forest birds and do not crunch things. That would just be too real of you! We validate your feelings of discomfort in exhibiting bodily functions in the presence of men. Do not learn to be comfortable in your corporeal existence. Let us instead help you suppress it.”
Fucking patriarchy even finding a way to make eating chips suck.
If Doritos wanted to change something, I’d say they should make their chips slightly smaller so the edges don’t scrape the roof of your mouth when you bite into them. That’s all.
And second of all, let’s touch on the fact that no good ever comes from companies trying to make an fundamentally gender-free product more vagina-y. Remember when Bic tried to make pens “for her” and the commentariat on Amazon went OFF on them? Or the time someone was trying to design a lady phone to fit in lady hands but it was really mostly a circle and that’s a useless phone shape?
If companies want to really address the needs of women, they would alter the design of bathroom stalls so that they were big enough to accommodate a grown woman, her handbag, and a small child without the woman needing to be a Cirque du Soleil contortionist to actually sit and pee. Or they’d expand the width of airplane seats from a scant 16.5 inches to something closer to adult human size. Or join campaigns to stop charging sales tax for menstrual supplies. Or they’d stop charging more for products in pink bottles than for products in blue bottles.
Or maybe you need to just hire some women and give them jobs and a platform for expression and let them direct the vision of the world to come.
Any of that would be better than a silent corn chip.
Don’t do this, Doritos. It won’t end well. You will be mocked and you will deserve it.