Image via Pottermore.com
Guys. There is a vagina video game.
Not a game where the vagina is a character or a weapon (been there, done that) or anything. A game you actually play with your vagina. There’s a sex toy-esque device that you put in your vagina, which links to an app on your phone. You then do Kegels (vaginal muscle clenches) and the sensors on the device cause a butterfly on the app to go up and down on the screen. There are different fitness programs on the app, and you can track your progress. Like a Couch to 5K program for your pussy.
This is not a terrible idea that could definitely make Kegels more fun, but I have thoughts. So many thoughts.
First of all, it seems practically criminal that they don’t call the device a joystick. I mean, really? Really.
Next, a butterfly? That’s cute and all, but if my vagina is going to get an avatar, I want something really badass. A dragon, for instance. Like the Hungarian Horntail from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. It could fly around the screen and breathe fire when I Kegel. And the fitness program could have avatars of things your vagina would like to see burned to a crisp. They could come on the screen and you could gleefully use Pussy Power to incinerate them.
Mansplainers? Squeeze and FLAMES! Abortion clinic protestors? Squeeze and FIRE! Sexual assaulters who don’t get jail time and the judges who let them walk? Squeeze and BURN, BURN, BURN!
Basically, we need a vagina video game where you use your vagina to smash the patriarchy. After all, strong vaginas — and their owners — are the patriarchy’s worst fear.
But until we get our fire-breathing vagina game, we can get the Perifit, which does seem fun and helpful. They’ll be available in spring of 2017 so order yours now!