Nobody orgasms when they feel uncomfortable. (Image: Thinkstock)
Being uncoordinated is quite awkward when it’s coupled with raging libido. Welcome to my world.
You’re horny, but you never really know how to execute anything with grace. You always look (or feel like you look) like a deranged duck in lingerie, trying to give a lap dance or a blow job. Nobody orgasms when they feel uncomfortable.
I’m a gal who’s first to admit she’s uncoordinated. I don’t have great balance, pretty limited hand-eye coordination, and very weak depth perception. All of these things make having sex an especially difficult task for me.
Being a sex writer, there are many “hands-on” assignments that I’ve had to get through, despite this lack of coordination. In my personal life, I stick to the moves I know are tried and true — the ones that won’t leave me with an elbow in the eye or a broken hip.
Also, being a sex writer AND an uncoordinated woman, I have accumulated plenty of sex tips for fellow uncoordinated people. Embrace your quirks so everyone can get off!
Here are seven of my absolute favorite, tried and true ways to keep sex fun and simple:
1. Stay the f*ck away from shower sex.
For real, shower sex sucks major monkey dong anyway, so you’re not missing anything. Seriously, I hate it so much I even wrote a whole piece devoted to said hatred. It’s hard to manage for even the most acrobatically-inclined individuals so you shouldn’t feel bad about skipping it.
If you are uncoordinated, shower sex is a one-way ticket to the ER. There is soap everywhere and it is SLIPPERY. Trying dangerous sex games is no fun when it ends in bruises and a possible broken tailbone.
2. Don’t get so fancy with the blow jobs.
Blow jobs are hard work. They do not call those fuckers a job for nothing. Since they are already labor intensive and you, my friend, are uncoordinated, don’t get fancy with your technique. You don’t have to simultaneously rub his balls while you deep throat or whatever.
Keep it CONSISTENT. The only thing you should be worrying about coordinating is your hand to your mouth, which you move in the same direction. That’s all there is to it. Your partner will not GAF.
3. Missionary is your safe space.
Missionary is your go-to position when you’re uncoordinated. Why? Because you don’t have to do anything but lie there, moan, and chill.
Cowgirl is fun and everything, but it’s a huge cardiovascular workout and takes a lot of coordination... which you don’t have, remember?
When you’re not feeling overly ambitious and don’t want to try 90 positions, just stay in missionary. It’s a classic.
4. Bring in a vibe.
Bring a vibrator into the bedroom so you don’t have to worry about rubbing your clit, or your partner's clit, while you’re having sex.
This takes the pressure off of having to concentrate on more than one thing . Some people might be intimidated by a vibe in the bedroom. Don’t date those people. The vibe does the work for you, you just have to put it in the right place. Simple as can be.
5. If you’re going to give a lap dance, you better already know your moves.
When it comes to dancing like a sex kitten, I wind up looking like a drunken horse. Does that sound a bit familiar?
If so, you need this tip. Know your dance moves! Stick to two or three basic moves that you feel comfortable with. Maybe it’s a hip rotation, maybe it’s a body roll. You do you.
I enjoy leaning on the bed, to twerk while standing. I don’t have to get into a full crouch and risk losing my balance, and if I DO lose my balance, I’d just fall on the bed and pretend it was part of the “act.”
6. Instead of sex standing up, have him/her stand, and lie on the bed.
Much like shower sex, sex standing up is fucking complicated and annoying. If BAE wants to do it so badly, have him or her stand up while you lie back on the bed, on your stomach or back, whichever you prefer.
Your partner gets to stand and you get to chill and relax. You orgasm instead of falling over. It’s a win for everyone.
7. Wear what makes YOU feel sexy to distract yourself.
Another fun side effect of being generally uncoordinated is being AWARE of that fact that you’re generally uncoordinated. To alleviate some of the inevitable accompanying anxiety, wear something that makes you feel your hottest.
It doesn’t matter if it’s lingerie, leather, or a pair of blue jeans, as long as it’s what makes you feel your best. If you feel sexy inside, it will reflect on the outside. Sex should be fun and carefree, not a stress case.
Go forth and orgasm responsibly!