Who in the actual fuck has a whole raw bell pepper at Thanksgiving dinner?
Recommended response: Xanax.
It's Thanksgiving, and that can only mean one thing: It's time to gather around the table with the family members you see only once or twice a year (for good reason) and try to avoid stabbing each other with your forks. #Blessed.
While I can guarantee that you'll encounter at least a few of these loving relatives around your Thanksgiving table, I also have some recommended responses to the bullshit they will be serving up.
1. Aunt "Why Don't You Have Kids Yet?" Betty
Nothing brings out the fascination with the mating habits of others like a family gathering, and if you aren't married or haven't had children, it's sure to come up as intrusively and inappropriately as possible.
Recommended response: "Why aren't you dead yet?"
2. Uncle "Those Terrorist Muslims Have It Coming" Ted
First of all, watch this SNL sketch about dealing with unhinged right-wing conservative family members immediately. Secondly, send me healing vibes because my dad is a Tea Party Republican and shit is about to get real at my house. Then, take a few deep cleansing breaths and remember that Thanksgiving only happens once a year.
Recommended response: Xanax.
3. Cousin "Meat is Murder" June
Since Thanksgiving is about sharing — or revisionist history, whatever –– I hope that you prepared a lovely Field Roast for June to eat while she rips into your carnivorous ways. I also hope that June will be gracious enough to keep her vehement veganism to herself, and that Santa is real.
Recommended response: "Is that kombucha you're drinking? Aren't you murdering billions of micro-organisms?"
4. Aunt "Let Me Tell You About the First Thanksgiving" Sally
Let's face it, Thanksgiving has a pretty fucked up history. At best, it's a made up holiday to create a sense of unity and at worst glorification of genocide. Still, I'm down with gathering together to eat delicious food with the people I love and I'm willing to shut up for one meal — until someone else starts spewing historically inaccurate tripe about the pilgrims and their best friends, the Native Americans.
Recommended response: "Let's not perpetuate lies and focus on this delicious meal instead."
5. It's A Tie! Drunk Uncle Bill and Hipster Cousin Jagger
At every family gathering, there is at least one family member who gets roaring drunk and starts sharing horrifically inappropriate family stories. One time, my mom and stepdad sung us a song they wrote and all I remember is a line about tampons and my mortification.
These days, there is also guaranteed to be at least one hipster cousin who can't stop talking about the chicken coop he just built or the awesome vinyl he scored at the thrift shop last week.
Recommended response: "Hey Uncle Bill, pass me the wine."