5 Big-Money Mother's Day Gifts — And Their More Practical Alternatives

Who even NEEDS that many flowers?

You’d be hard-pressed to find something more meaningful to mom than watching YOU scrub your own urine off the toilet seat/floor/wall.

Mother’s Day is upon us.

I’m talking to you, partners of mothers!

Bring on the deluge of See’s Candy and Flowers.com bouquets. Or nothing (a disappointment for everyone involved).

Don’t be the person whose wife/partner/mother has nothing to post on Instagram.

For my first Mother’s Day ever I got a necklace of a mother and child shaped like a heart. Remember those (shout-out to 1995)?

Last Mother’s Day… I don’t remember because:

  1. the 21st Mother’s Day is a slightly less magical than the first.

  2. age is causing my memory to fail.

Of course, everyone wants to know: What do I get the woman who gets everything for everyone else all of the time?

(Don’t try to deny it, there is no Santa Claus. It’s all her.)

Well, all her and capitalism.

Capitalism's one job is to make you believe mom wants a lot of Things You Probably Cannot Afford (I mean, obviously, that money could also be used to send a kid to college or whatever).

I’m all about the simpler things in life, and by “simple,” I mean, not a purse that costs $3950 (+ tax and shipping).”

I offer you 5 Cheaper Alternatives to that $3950.

1. 100 long-stemmed roses in an ugly vase you're going to throw away: a mere $349.99

(A rose for every pile of puke you’ve cleaned up.)

So like a WEEK OF GROCERIES FOR A FAMILY OF EIGHT.

For FLOWERS.

Who even NEEDS that many flowers?

A Kardashian. Literally no other person, ever.

Alternatively, get a plant and plant it: Home Depot, $19.99 (go ahead and splurge on a perennial). Bonus points if you will also water the plant and prune it.

2. Speaking of $3950, that’s how much this Louis Vuitton will set you back.

Now I’m not saying a purse isn’t worth THREE THOUSAND NINE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS, I’m just saying a purse is definitely not worth THREE THOUSAND NINE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS.


No.

OR, save yourself $3910 and buy a faux-leather purse from Target (it's VEGAN). The real gift? A purse that isn’t lined with crushed goldfish crackers, five Hot Wheels, a dried out package of baby wipes, seven crayons with no wrappers, and the remnants last month's playground playdate (half-cup of sand and chunks of bark). Also no dead cows.

3. Merry Maids: about $250 per visit

Nothing says “I Love You” like “Mom, we hired a couple of strangers to clean the house for you!”

And at cost, they had damn well better clean the house. I’m talking windows too, Merry Thieves.

$250 is probably not realistic (or smart, my GOD that’s a lot of money), so Craigslist is a good choice. Angie’s List is probably better (read: less likelihood of robbery).

But you’d be hard-pressed to find something more meaningful to mom than watching YOU scrub your own urine off the toilet seat/floor/wall. DO IT YOURSELF. Use bleach. KTHX.

4. Jewelry!

Mom would love THIS necklace from Kay.

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No. She actually would not. It’s hideous.

There’s no alternative to that travesty. NEXT.

5. Spa Day! A bargain at about $350.

Massage. Facial. Mani. Pedi. The works.

I’m talking the magic of essential oils and zen music and brass singing bowls.

Get mom this AND roses and you’re like one additional bouquet from the cost of a MacBook.

Sadly for you, there’s really no substitution for a day at the spa.

My husband painted my toes once. Sideways. No.

BUT kids can rub lotion on mom’s feet without much risk of injury.

AND $50 will buy you at least six bath bombs from Lush (like the nice ones, not even the robot kids’ bomb). Give her one bomb a week for six weeks and AN HOUR ALONE. There’s nothing more beautiful than the sound of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Also, dad? How about a back massage?

How about a back massage with a happy ending?

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