BREAKING: Hillary Clinton Joins Donald Trump In Skipping Debate

Statement from Clinton's campaign enclosed:

(New York, NY) As a woman who wrote one of the best child-rearing books of all time, It Takes a Village, and has been on the board of directors for reputable companies like Walmart, served as Secretary of State, and whose combined net worth with her husband, the former president Bill Clinton, (Billy, as Hillary likes to call him) is estimated to be $110 million dollars, Hillary knows a bully when she sees one. PBS, though often defunded by the government over the years, still features some of the most noteworthy and provocative documentaries that no one watches, and as a result, when she participates in the Democratic National Convention debates, PBS sees plummeting ratings (some of the lowest in history), whereas in previous years college kids at least watched them while listening to NPR in the background.

Unlike the very moderate, exceedingly non-radical people who are running this country and trying to prevent total defunding of Planned Parenthood and the annihilation of everyone by assholes with guns, Hillary knows when to walk away. Paula Kerger and PBS think that they can manipulate her, but Hillary is a world-class negotiator. There have already been four debates, and according to all polls, CNNMSNBCThe New York Times, and many others, Hillary is neck and neck with Sanders, in particular the last one. Whereas she has always been a woman of action and not a debater- she nevertheless truly enjoys the debating process, as it transports her back to her Wall Street lawyer days, and it has been very good for her, both in ego and token feminism.

She will not be participating in the PBS debate and will instead host a fundraising event in Milwaukee, for the displaced penguins at the Milwaukee Zoo, who have been horribly neglected by climate change deniers and experienced an unseasonably hot winter that is burning up their feathers. Like running for office as an extremely intelligent and experienced person, this takes heart and the kind of wisdom our country needs in order to Make America Amnesiatic Again.  

Editor's Note: Grammar maintained to preserve the integrity of Trump's copywriter's original prose, which we can only aspire to emulate. To see Donald Trump's letter of withdrawal from the FOX News/Google debate, click here.
If you like this article, please share it! Your clicks keep us alive!