This teensy little Bachelor episode is only an hour long, but it's one enormous, platinum vagine tease from start to finish.
We begin where it all started for Nick. With Andi, the woman who made him a TV celeb in the first place for his lewd and irascible sex remark. On national tele. (We'll get to that.)
First, #NickBrags about Thirty Potential Dumpees.
Nick is not here to get engaged just because this is The Bachelor, people.
Every other space in The William Vale Boutique Luxury Hotel was unavailable, including Nick's warm, cavernous and Andi-filled suite, so the Rose Ceremony was relocated to the freezing rooftop. At least the hotel sign was secure when the camera rested upon it.
Leaves fluttered so violently in the icy wind you could hardly tell if they were real or a hasty craft store purchase by some intern. The same one who secured the three roses to an overturned wine crate, so they didn't blast off the balcony with the next gale.
Meanwhile, Nick sipped cocktails with his long-lost paramour Andi, who has poured herself into black Lycra pants circa Olivia Newton-John at the tail of Grease. So classic. Such the outfit to get the guy back in. Because why else is she here?
Nick seems fine with this plan. Giddy and ready to get down. Andi advises that it's fine to have sex whenever-wherever, in what she calls a "feminist rant." Nick loves her brand of feminism!
He flirts with Andi full-force as his other four girlfriends shiver on the roof, wearing nothing but open coats and dinner napkins sewn into clothing.
The Nick-Andi convo immediately turns to the pair's sex history, of course. Or "making" the "love" as Nick and Andi called it, back in the good old days when they were sexing it up fantasy-suite style. The Bachelor needs to remind everybody how and why Nick got famous.
It was for mentioning sex. Out loud. For blowing the whole "fantasy suite," la-la-la-fingers-in-my-ears, "Who even knows what happens in there?" thing wide open. Nick splayed the reality of reality sex spread-eagle for Bachelor Nation when he uttered his infamous and grotesque line: "Why would you make love with me if you weren't in love with me?" It was the crassest use of prepositions since the down doggy cowboy hit the scene at your parent's key party.
It was TMI writ large. It was the end of fantasy and the birth of a new nation.
Nick said "make love," and now Raven is dishing on the specifics of her orgasms. This is how we got from point A (vague fantasy) to point B (rote intercourse) on The Bachelor.
And Now: The Rose Ceremony Windstorm.
Four Women Remain.
1. Raven, Gigger of Frogs (further defined below)
2. Rachel, The Already Gone
3. Vanessa, Queen of Man-Stressa
4. Corinne, Sexist Stereotype All-Star and one of Nick's Newly Discarded.
It's the End of Corinne.
Who was the definitive Thorn-in-the-Side of Feminists Committed to Supporting Women.
Because how do you not diss Corinne? She embraced everything feminist waves 1 through 100 fought against.
Well, guess what, Ms. Steinem? Corinne had an epiphany. FINALLY. Your work here is done. Thanks. Bye.
Because Corinne's limo ride stretched along the highway to enlightenment. First, she was cry-babying it through "my heart will never recover blah, blah," and before you knew it, she had figured it out finally. Finally! She was sick of saying stuff men want to hear. Stupid. Boring.
She was also double-done with showing all her men that she worships them. So proud of you, Corinne. Keep going.
She's triple-done trying to impress all these mallrat lotharios she's been kissing up to. Perfect. And then she says something golden, which is a $3,400 miracle in the midst of her usual crumbs of anti-wisdom.
She says, "I'm just going to be me, and whatever happens, happens."
It's like Nick's Rejection awoke some kind of purebred philosophy that you couldn't argue with.
Excellent plan, Corinne. And now you don't have to go to Finland (where the temperature hovers around negative minus infinity, with ice over hoarfrost.)
Now zip up that $3,400 puffball bomber. Add a dress. And go be you. And if we ever see you kissing up to a man again on Bachelor in Paradise or elsewhere, we are coming for you, Corinne. And we're gonna bring Steinem.
This Episode is the Shortest Ever — It's Half Over, and We're Going to Finland.
Time for a Bachelor Geography Lesson. Because some producer took a course in Classic Hollywood Cinema and now we have this adorable map. Thanks, Casablanca and Indiana Jones.
See that tiny gray plane? Nick is in there right now, contemplating love. See that dotted line up top? That's where the weather gets super cold. See that little white dot Nick is heading toward? That's Raven's clitor-- . . . what? Stoppit.
Raven's is the only date we get to see this week, and Chris Harrison's usual ceremonial pronouncement "Coming Up Next" took on an epically shameful veneer of le cornball during every commercial promo.
Because Raven said "orgasm" a million times, which would've been explicit if it wasn't so damn confusing. (Because, you mean Raven's never had one, or just never had one with..., oh never mind.)
Whichever is the case, this fantasy suite/sex yurt does not seem like the right location for this event. First off, there are fire hazard-levels of votives scattered around the log walls. And color-me-a-skeptic, but Nick's Fisherman's Wharf turtleneck sweater does not set the mood. Where's that cashmere number Corinne bought you? Wear that.
Look, we are rooting for Raven here. She is getting down to the nittiest of the gritty in husband-choosing. It's what we needed Liz of the "Sex with Liz" plotline to reveal. It's what Andi knows, but she ain't tellin' — maybe because it was implied when she chose Caveboy/Pizza-Eater Josh. He must've made the love a little bit better than Nick, unlikely as that seems.
Can Nick do this? Can Nick fantasy-sweet some fireworks for the lovable Raven? When he uses her body as a human dart on an actual dart board, it seems like a gigantic NO.
Sparks also die during the couple's foreplay-ish pillow talk about housework.
"Can you fold laundry?"
"I'm really into irons."
"I can introduce you to a steamer."
"Can you get out the creases, baby?"
This might go down as the least arousing 60 minutes in television history.
What is Raven's Actual Gig?
Despite rewinding and listening to Raven's mysterious murmur over and over last week, trying to figure out all her small town entertainments, we misheard a phrase. She did not say frog "digging." She said frog GIGGING.
And OMG. Do not google this. Do NOT. I don't want to break your heart, so I will only say that frog gigging involves spears (I guess, miniature ones), the most darling of the amphibians, pick-up trucks, the state of Arkansas, and eating legs.
So anyway, Raven, did you gig frogs with this former lover of yours who only said "I love you" while drunk, which is last on the list of Best Ways to Hear It Said to You?
Look, any boys listening out there: drunk times are also not recommended for the giving of 'gasms. And Raven wants one. Badly.
If only men knew that they could have so much more sex if they just got reliably good at the stuff. Would they try harder? Or would they just be like Raven's first and only sex pal, a presumable frog-gigger (among other failures)?
Anyway, Nick, quit trying to kill lust. And your little exercise routine is not yet hot enough to melt the ice in Finland. "Hi. I'm Liam Neeson in The Grey meets Snow Rocky." That's obviously a fake tree branch made out of Styrofoam and glue-gunned with bark and moss. Thanks, interns! Put it down, Nick. Raven awaits.
And Chris Harrison! Yeah, you! We expected more. You can't just saunter on and off with this "If you'd like to forgo your individual rooms" nonsense. We know you're bluffing with that crazy old-fashioned prop key. What does that even open, exactly?
No more key parties, Harrison. Settle down.
Image Credits: Instagram/nickviall & bachelorusa; screenshots from ABC's The Bachelor