#JoniDoesBabecamp Day 0: Airplanes Kind Of Suck

I guess I’m calling this Day 0, because as I write this, I am only en route. And I’ll be en route until you read this. Actually, by the time you’re reading this I’m probably in an airport in Jamaica.

You get what I’m saying.

So far I’ve been on a bus and a train that had an engine failure and another bus on the freeway in LA (and I only threw up in my mouth a little when we almost crushed a Fiat), and now a plane. I think it's 2:49? AM. JetBlue says we are over Texas. What time zone is Texas? Why is Texas so huge? Why can everyone around me sleep like they've been sedated? Why am I awake like I took speed?

I have a lot of questions.

Here is Houston. From the sky. I mean it's probably Houston but I'm not sure because Texas is ridiculous huge:

H-town, maybe.

I’m writing, but before this I was working. Because guilt.

Oh wait, this is also called working. I'm still working.

Air travel observations:

Large airports are actually really intimidating.
BUT, to be fair to LAX, when you have anxiety, all airports are intimidating.
The people at TSA should really have a cookie or something. They are unnecessarily geee-rouchy.
Airport food is way too expensive. Hey Burger King, we know it doesn't cost you two extra dollars to make a whopper just because you're inside a building where there are planes.
LAX could def up their bathroom game. In case you hadn't heard, air hand dryers recycle poop air. Stop trying to guilt me into using them for the “environment.” I like to protect my “environment” by not having the shit particles of 10,000 strangers on my newly washed hands.
Traveling without kids is 763% easier than with them.
A lot of people in the airport are running. I feel like if you're doing adulting right, or even trying a little, you should be able to get to the airport more than 45 seconds before your flight. That's probably judgmental. I stand by this assessment.
Sitting in the window seat is nice because you can see outside. Except at 2:49 AM. Because it's fucking dark.
In regards to the downsides of the aforementioned window seat, having to pee is a… problem. I tried to hydrate up a couple of hours before the flight so I'd have time to pee it all out. It didn't work. Now I'm stuck in 7F next to a married couple that hasn't spoken so much as one word to each other, and that was even before they were both snoring. I would take a video, but that's rude.
More people should be using breathe right strips and/or those weird neck pillow things and/or a sock shoved in their mouth.
The two people next to me go first with the sock.
I bought one of those neck pillow things. It's luxurious, because it's velvet. And not the bad Elvis painting-velvet either — only the most highly rated 5-star Amazon velvet will do.
It might as well have been made of steel wool. Because regardless of its composition, I'm still awake.
The air in the cabin may be recycled, but it is not filtered. It smells like sweat and morning breath in here.
My breath is fresh however, because I brought the most intensely spicy cinnamon gum. I bought the most intensely spicy cinnamon gum for this very situation.
JetBlue offers in-flight TV. Fox News is the only thing that's really on right now.
Maybe JetBlue could offer in-flight sedatives.
I'm definitely retaining water. And not just in my bladder.
There are three people just standing in the aisle. Not for a few minutes either. Look, I don't like to sit for five hours either, but standing up is annoying. But also I might be annoyed because of the pee thing.
The lady in front of me was discussing her compression socks earlier. I should have thought of that. Because blot clots.
The elderly lady behind me is Japanese. I only know this because SHE HAS BEEN YELLING AT HER SON FOR AN HOUR.
The woman next to me is now IN MY SEAT.
I should have worn a diaper.
Not related to air travel, but Fox News just said that Trump is 46 to Hillary’s 45.
I'll take that sedative now.

I have a two hour layover in Ft. Lauderdale. That's probably enough time to buy some grossly price-inflated airport food. That's definitely enough time to work some more. I brought knitting, and so far I've knit two rows. The rows are 64 stitches. So basically I've knit for five minutes. At this rate I'll be making these leg-warmers for 10 years.

Fox News is now showing Hillary speaking at a rally. I don't have the sound on (because Fox News), but her face looks like mine when I find a circle of sticky stinky urine around the base of the toilet in Owen’s bathroom.

If her face is any indication, she's totally using Momvoice right now. Don't cross her. This woman will take no shit from Congress, Senate, or anyone else.

And if you don't clean your room, you're losing your turn on the iPad.

I still have to pee. My gum just tastes like nothing now.

In 12 hours I will be on a beach. Or maybe 10. Or 14. The time difference is a problem.