Rebekah Kuschmider

Hopeful readers, may I present to you, the three-time mayor of Cormorant, Minnesota: DUKE!

“You know, in my next life, when I come back, I want to be someone in the WTA because they ride on the coattails of the men. They don't make any decisions, and they are lucky. They are very, very lucky. If I was a lady player, I'd go down every night on my knees and thank God that Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal were born because they have carried this sport. They really have.”

Put on your robes, grab your spell books, and get down to the Great Hall! It’s breakfast time at Hogwarts!

The manatees were engaged in a little mutual oral pleasure — or, as the kids call it, 69. Way to go, manatees!

We all know that presumptive Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump’s favorite subject is Donald Trump.

Like Gwyneth, I’m a mom of two kids, so I’m kind of hung up on the fact that she has the time to take a whole bath every night. I usually only manage to squeeze in a prison shower after the kids are in bed and before I collapse, so this brush-and-bathe routine is really amazing to me.

This week saw a new high-water mark of professional-level weird in the Senate Republicans’ attempts to repeal Obamacare and replace it was a set of tax cuts, paid for by kicking 14 million people off Medicaid.

We have all made it through another madcap week here in 2017. All kinds of groovy things have been going on — and by groovy, I mean things that make everyone ask: 'Dude, is he on drugs? No? Then am I on drugs? Because this is all too weird not to involve drugs.'

In an exceedingly weird story, parents of an unnamed 14 year old girl filed suit against Avenues: The World School, a private school in New York City, after their daughter was caught vaping in the bathroom with Fatima Ptacek, the voice of Dora.

If you could get your period to last only 20 minutes, would you?