Rebekah Kuschmider

PornHub has announced the upcoming launch of BangFit, a phone app that — you guessed it — helps you get fit by banging.

Musician Kid Rock has announced that he intends to run for the Senate as a Republican in Michigan. Athlete and reality TV star Caitlyn Jenner has teased about a run as a Republican in California. Neither would-be candidate has filed the official candidacy paperwork as of this time. I hope they don’t. At least not until they learn something about governance.

So far, April is mainly just walking around and not giving birth, which is probably annoying to poor April. There’s nothing quite like the end of pregnancy, when you just want to be done with it and get to the part where you have a baby. Maybe it’s different for giraffes, but that’s sure how I felt when I was pregnant.

Institutions can and do fail citizens, but as communities we can fix some of their mistakes.

Who doesn’t dream of retiring from their day job and relocating to the Caribbean? Well, soon the dolphins at the National Aquarium in Baltimore will get to do just that.

It’s true. There are goats in Morocco who climb argan trees, eat their fruit, and then expel the seeds so that new argan trees can grow.

We will not be having our first woman president and I, for one, must grieve. A dream deferred.

CANCER NEEDS TO KEEP ITS GRUBBY MITTS OFF OF OUR ARTISTIC LEGENDS, DAMMIT.

Like Gwyneth, I’m a mom of two kids, so I’m kind of hung up on the fact that she has the time to take a whole bath every night. I usually only manage to squeeze in a prison shower after the kids are in bed and before I collapse, so this brush-and-bathe routine is really amazing to me.

President Obama is not here for campus sexual assault. Literally.