Winona Dimeo-Ediger

Toss back half a bottle of merlot while watching “Daredevil.” Pause it for a pee break. Glance in bathroom mirror, notice bangs are getting slightly unruly.

"These days, I don’t shop at the mall very often, but every once in a while when I find myself at a mall — any — I’m overcome by a wave of nostalgia for my salad days (although perhaps “Sbarro calzone days” would be a more fitting expression here). In many ways, I grew up in these chain stores and pretzel kiosks. And sometimes I feel compelled to write melodramatic poetry about it."

Target’s lack of gender signage is obviously a sinful, confusing disaster. You should definitely never shop there again. But just in case you ever need to buy a gift for your kid and Wal-Mart is closed, here are some tips for how to navigate the Godless dystopia that is the new unlabeled toy section of Target:

"I’ve been on three rollercoasters in my life. I hated every second of all of them."

Clean eating is so passe, you guys. It’s time to get on board the newest trend: dirty eating!

Oh my god check out those shoes. Those are uuuuugly! They look like a lizard swallowed a horse hoof and then molted. Not cute

Dear Winona, I’m addicted to black. Exhibit A: my closet. Am I fashionably lazy? Or is it because it just goes with everything—mainly me?

Ever had an imagined conversation with optimism? Yeah, me too.

Seriously, I’m usually a “six sugars and a ton of cream” girl, but I drink Kao Jai black!

Basically, if you took a map of the world and put red pushpins wherever something terrible was happening, you’d find a millennial directly in the center, snapchatting.