You might be asking yourself, “Self, why does Joni even have a Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue?” The answer is, I bought The Plantar Fasciitis Insoles and it came with them. You might find it odd that I have never seen a Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue. To be fair, I am also wondering where it’s been all my life.
Hammacher Schlemmer, if you’re not familiar (though I can’t image that’s the case), has offered “the Best, the Only, and the Unexpected” for over 169 years. Which is a really long time. I wondered what they offered in 1848. Well lucky for us all, their website tells us it was tools. By 1881, the Hammacher Schlemmer had a catalogue, by 1912 that catalogue was 1112 pages of I have no idea what.
Pretty much just a longer version of the current catalogue.
This all mostly reminds me of J. Peterman, the guy Elaine worked for in Seinfeld.
Every item in the Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue starts with the word “The” which implies it might be the only one of its kind. And let me tell you, one of most of these things is plenty.
Just for fun, I picked 9 of my favorites for you to enjoy with me.
Our header image features The 9 1/2 Foot Remote Controlled Bald Eagle. It's $499.95. I just, what?
“This is the full-face mask with an integrated snorkel that allows you to explore underwater realms while breathing as naturally as you would on land. The mask covers your entire face, making it easy to breathe comfortably through your nose or mouth without having to bite down on a traditional snorkel’s mouthpiece.”
This mask costs $129.95.
I mean this is cool, but you’re never going to see any ocean life because when the fish see you they are going to be all like “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING? It can't be a human. Is it a new kind of shark? Is it that weird fish that lives in the dark?”
To go with your The Full Face Easy Breathing Snorkel, you should definitely get..
This is a real product.
It is $7,500.
“Only available from Hammacher Schlemmer, this is the same aquatic tricycle found in tropical resorts that conveys two pedalers on oceans, lakes, or any open water.”
So, not only are your going to spend more than the cost of a European vacation, you’re going to look like a complete lunatic while doing it.
In today’s installment of Things You Cannot Believe Are Real, THIS THING.
“Offered only by Hammacher Schlemmer, this is the inflatable edifice that provides an instant public house reminiscent of those found in the verdant countryside of Ireland.”
Yep. For a mere $5,000 you can have your own portable pub. Just add Guiness.
Also known as The Way My Kids Are Going To Burn Our House Down.
But hey, at least it will have my initials on it? This way the fire department can narrow down who used to live in the pile of smoldering rubble.
$179.95 plus the cost of a new home.
Just, no.It's supposed to scare away wildlife? With it's very realistic red eyes?
I feel like most birds would not even know what this is. Also, where is the rest of its body?
I already have a Personal Oxygen Bar, it’s called THE LITERAL AIR.
$399.95 because that $.05 less that $400 makes all the difference.
It’s shaped like a torso AND rotates 360 degrees. So… $149.95.
Pro tip: You can buy a regular ironing board for like $15 at Walmart.
“This is the electric hair trimmer that cuts evenly in any direction, enabling you to maintain your own closely cropped, clean-cut hairstyle.”
$59.95 to look like your 5-year-old cut your hair.
OK I know people really love their dogs. I KNOW. But if you can afford a $3,700 Architectural Digest-Style SOLAR POWERED dog house, but a Tuff Shed for a homeless person. K?