humor

You wake up to birds chirping, just kidding, you don’t, because it’s February and it’s freezing, and also you have a kid. 

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Go forth and get Christmas AF, and enjoy the absurdity of this magical season. Happy holidays!

It’s that special time of the year when the days get shorter, holiday lights come out, and a doll/informant visits some houses to spy on children. Sure, The Elf on a Shelf may have seemed like a fun tradition when you first got it, but then you realized how much work it is. As a parent, you’ve already got plenty of other things to do around the holidays, like figuring out how to survive family holiday meals. And even if you are into the Elf, your kids will eventually outgrow it. 

But once you no longer want it, how can you remove the creepy little magical creature from your house? Here are some ideas:

1. Leave it in your kid’s room, but don’t bother moving it every night.

Just keep saying: “Yes, it’s still watching you.”

Every holiday season, my younger brother Dusty tries to get the family to watch Christmas horror movies. Few things are morally sacred in this world, but Santa Claus is one of them.

In case you’re curious — or fear you may be old — here are a few moments that helped me realize the truth about my oldness.

Wouldn’t it be nice to get Mother's Day cards from your kids that showed they actually get you? A cards and 15 pounds of good chocolate should about do it.

Did you know that it’s actually called Daylight SAVING Time? Not SAVINGS. If you’ve been saving SAVINGS for the last 30 years, you’re wrong.

I can only hope that Aloe Vera Drink does a better job than those adhesive pads you put on your feet that supposedly draw out toxins while you sleep.