Bodies

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And it’s that last one that really irks me: that most people — and especially most women’s — new year’s resolutions center on dieting and weight loss as the key to happiness.

The universe always knows, and so what it does in all its lovely knowing, is it clears a path for you. When the universe sees that things have reached the point where they stand to steer you off your path, it will clear a way for you to continue moving onward and upward.

Ah, January of a new year. Time to wake up a completely different person from the woman I was in 2015, including: 30 pounds lighter by February! I call bullshit.

It’s a hard body to live in at times. But I live here. I wake up here and I go to sleep here. I go on vacation here and I wear a bikini here. I walk the streets here. I turn heads — and not in the way that people want to turn heads. I haul my fat ass up on my beach cruiser here. I take the criticism, the emails, the comments, and whatever other unpleasantries come with living in this body.

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I’m not mourning the loss of fertility. I’m mostly just waiting to see what happens next, like some sort of hormonal roulette. I’m writing this for you, so that when your period decides to take an extended vacation, you may understand that this is another step between contortionist tampon insertion and Depends.

Chronic illness and injury has taught me — is still teaching me — patience. These days are not a consolation prize for what I didn’t win, for where I didn’t or couldn’t succeed, for a better life I might have had if only…They are my life.