Things You Never Thought You'd Say; Then You Became A Parent

“This weekend, I had to say ‘Can you please get the dog out of the dishwasher!’ Wish I was kidding.” - Natalie Welsh Diaz

Oh motherhood! It’s the most unglamorous job in the world, but also the most fulfilling — and the only experience that can make your heart burst day in and day out. It’s so chaotic though that we find ourselves spewing words sometimes that we probably never, ever pictured ourselves saying. #ThenParenthoodHappened

Just last week, I had instructed my eight-year-old to clean the bathroom. (Not so much "clean" as give it a quick wipe down.) And I even gave him a simple reminder that my forever favorite Lysol wipes were under the sink for his using — no sponge required. After what seemed like a good twenty minutes, I approached the bathroom to find him digging around in the toilet with nothing other than our trusted plunger.

“Branden!” I shouted, “you don’t need to use a plunger to clean the toilet!”

I gave a super puzzled look and then left the bathroom, wondering why I even needed to give that reminder in the first place.

Then, there’s our 9-month-old daughter who I’m, of course, always giving casual reminders to, as she’s learning to navigate the world and decipher right from wrong. But the time I found myself saying “you do not eat your brother’s toes” pretty much takes the cake.

I knew it wasn’t just me who found myself offering these nuggets of wisdom to my kids, so I found some other mamas to share their funniest phrases, too. And not one of them could hold back a giggle or believe they actually had to say these things to their children.

1. “I was out with my son for a walk around the neighborhood, and found myself having to say to my young son, ‘please don't lick the telephone pole.’” - Kathy Samaan Noumi

2. I was home alone with my two young kids, one in still diapers and one potty trained, and I realized that something smelled. Before I could get my hands on the baby, my older daughter Lily had her hands in his pants. I had to shout, ‘Lily, get your hands out of Connor’s pants!’ She told me that she was just trying to check and see if he pooped.” - Natalie McCune

3. “While riding on the subway, I had to tell me daughter, 'Stop looking under the subway seats for gum' as she was chewing some suspicious mint-smelling substance. And ‘stop kissing yourself’ on the reflection of a subway wall.’” - Kristin Strange

4. “This weekend, I had to say ‘Can you please get the dog out of the dishwasher!’ Wish I was kidding.” - Natalie Welsh Diaz

5. "'That's a toothbrush, not a toilet brush!' I literally screamed this after I saw Grace (my daughter) using her toothbrush to clean the toilet! Then, her older brothers often get ‘Stop pulling each other's pipi.' Boys!" - Gemarla M. Babilonia-Gaskin

6. "Baron! Stop making your shark bite my butt!" - Elle Gutierrez

7. “My son, Skylar, licked the wall at a some restaurant one day. I almost died as I had to tell him to stop.” - Nancy Johnson Horn

8. “I was changing my son’s diaper on the changing table and my 4-year-old daughter was standing with me. I walked away for a quick second to throw the dirty diaper in the garbage and I immediately heard screaming from my daughter, ‘Mom, Steven’s penis just fell off!’ I ran back rather quickly to find that his umbilical cord had finally come off. Needless to say, I had to explain to my daughter that her brother’s penis couldn’t just fall off.” - Linda Somm

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