Mercury Is Here To Screw Things Up With Its Retrograde Bullcrap, AGAIN

I'm sorry for what I said when Mercury was in retrograde.

I'm sorry for what I said when Mercury was in retrograde.

This article was originally published in January, when Mercury was ALSO in retrograde. There has been one more retrograde since then, but I'm trying to BUY A HOUSE RIGHT NOW. So this is an updated version.

Let's see how Mercury can screw this up.

Mercury, honestly. Mercury is proof positive that if there is a higher being, he (or she) just likes to screw with human beings by throwing their life into upheaval at the most inopportune times.

Like right NOW.

If you’re reading this headline and thinking, “What is Mercury and what does retrograde mean?” here's a summary:

Pretty much any and everything disastrous that happens to you between now and September 6, 2017 can and should be directly attributed to Mercury and its bullshit behavior.

Oh, you don’t believe in Mercury retrograde?

No, not that Mercury, unfortunately.

I hear you, and the NYPost does, too. So why is the belief in Mercury’s retrograde/world domination increasing? Why do even smart people think that retrograde is a real thing?

Because they missed their train, missed their plane, sent an email that went into the atmosphere, got into a brutal argument with their husband over margarine.

If your day is ruined, it’s confirmation bias Mercury. The end.

Here’s what you need to know about Mercury’s master plan to destroy your life.

1. First off, in case you’re like 25 years out of your Freshman science class, Mercury is a planet.

It’s way over there → . The first one in fact.

Also, unexpectedly, beautiful.

At its closest, it’s 47 million km from the sun. Earth is 146 million km, so if you’re thinking, “Mercury is probably pretty hot”, you would be correct.

2. And retrograde? That is fancy talk for BACKWARDS.

That’s right, fiery hot Mercury is literally moving the wrong way. I don’t know what the “right” way is, clockwise or whatever, but the important thing is, it’s not moving the way it’s supposed to.

(Technically, it's not literally moving backward. We're just passing it by as we orbit the sun, and vice versa. But that's just confusing and also your car broke down.)

And this is probably definitely going to screw things up.

3. What exactly is it going to definitely screw up?

EVERYTHING. Well, everything related to communication and/or travel. AND CONTRACTS.

So, everything.

Perfect timing! I didn’t need to go anywhere or talk to anyone in the next two weeks.

Oh, except for my REAL ESTATE AGENT. And communicating with your partner while making a million dollar decision isn't stressful at all.

The Electoral College just officially elected Trump, I can’t wait to visit my grandparents. Who needs cohesion in their family relations?

Trump is still president. Let's hope he doesn't have to talk to anyone in Korea in the next three weeks. I'm still going to avoid my grandparents, lest my veteran grandfather compare this to the Cuban Missile Crisis. WHICH I WAS NOT EVEN ALIVE FOR. 

4. What can you expect?

You can expect things to be, well, potentially fucking disastrous. This is the era of miscommunication, and especially when it involves things that are electronic. Apparently, planets orbiting things backwards mess up everything in the universe.

*Every document that requires signing when you buy a house is electronic. So. That.

So when you ask your partner to run by the store to pick up the pound of butter you need to finish baking the cookies your kids have been screaming about for three days, and he brings home margarine, don’t blame his selective listening. Blame Mercury.


And also whoever tried to claim that margarine and butter taste the same because they definitely do NOT.

5. How can you avoid potential disaster?

Don’t panic.

Just kidding, PANIC.

Stay home and read a book.

Turn off your phone and computer, because communication.


SHIT. We are totally buying a house. Right now. Like we made an offer at 5 am today. Is this a bad time to buy a house? PROBABLY. But we signed the offer before I realized Mercury was here to eff shit up. #pleasepray

6. What are things you CAN do during retrograde?

Clean out your closet.

Read a book.

Declutter your kitchen.

Read another book.

Make cookies (not with margarine).


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