Like it or not, jumpsuits are everywhere these days, from high-end boutiques to strip mall discount stores. I might have scoffed at them initially, but now I have an entire section of my closet dedicated to jumpsuits—no regrets, no shame. If you have yet to succumb to the siren song of the glorified adult onesie, you might want to familiarize yourself with the emotional rollercoaster that often accompanies your first jumpsuit purchase.
The five distinct emotional stages are as follows:
Stage 1: Annoyance
I thought jumpsuits were going to be a passing fad, like those screaming goat music videos. I was so, so, SO wrong. They've been "A Thing" for well over a year now, and are showing no signs of receding into the dead-trends archives. There was an entire jumpsuit section at the suburban TJ Maxx I went to the other day, for crying out loud. No matter the store, it seems like half the time I pull a dress off the rack, I hold it up and realize it has LEGS. I don't want a dress with legs. If I did, I would buy pants.
Stage 2: Curiosity
That said, they do have sort of a cool 1970s vibes to them, in the right light, I guess. Especially the all-black ones that are kind of flowy and have a wrap top. Obviously I could never pull it off though. Jumpsuits aren't made for people who are 5'3" and curvy. Jumpsuits are made for Bianca Jagger. Plus going to the bathroom in them would be such a nightmare! Even if I did look like Bianca Jagger, when you factor in the complicated peeing situation, I'm not sure it's worth the trade-off.
Stage 3: Skeptical Enthusiasm
This black one is really gorgeous though. It doesn't even look trendy, it looks chic! And the fabric is so soft. What's the harm in trying it on? Maybe I'll take it to the dressing room just for a laugh, like that time I tried on a pair of high-waisted plaid culottes at Goodwill. If I like it, I could just wear it around the house or something. Okay, I'm trying it on.
Stage 4: Shock
Oh my god. I look . . . kind of . . . amazing. What is happening? Are these mirrors rigged? Did I read one too many fashion blogs and lose touch with my inner style compass? But seriously, I am loving this. I feel properly dressed to run errands, go to a party at Studio 54, and/or command the USS Enterprise. What other garment offers that kind of versatility? And it's so comfy! I feel swaddled in jersey. I love being swaddled. Who cares that it will take 30 minutes to undress every time I need to pee? The tradeoff is so worth it.
Stage 5: Obsession
I am never buying separate shirts and pants again! Shirts and pants are for suckers! I wonder what other colors they have? I should probably buy one of each, just to be safe. I'm also going to need separate jumpsuits for home, work, and play. Maybe I can start a blog about my jumpsuit capsule wardrobe, which just consists of, like, 50 jumpsuits in a rainbow of colors. Yep, definitely doing that.