When I was in elementary school and my family was preparing for a trip to Disneyland—my first plane ride—my great aunt took me aside and pressed a Saint Christopher pendant into my hand. “Wear this on the plane,” she said, “and it will keep you safe.”
That’s how I met my first personal saint: good old Christopher, the Patron Saint of Travelers (and also bachelors, gardeners, toothaches, and epilepsy—he’s a busy guy).
Soon after that, my grandmother taught me how to call on Saint Anthony for help finding things (“Saint Anthony, Saint Anthony, please come around, something is lost and cannot be found”), and with my propensity for misplacing my keys, I still mumble that little rhyme to myself at least once a day.
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But I regularly call upon other saints for help, too. Really specific ones whose sainthood only exists in my own mind, but they’re very effective. Today I’d like to introduce you to a few of them; feel free to call on them as often as needed.
Saint Chevron, Patron Saint of Rest Stop Bathrooms
A certain distance outside of city limits, any road trip bathroom break becomes a game of toilet roulette: when you open the door to that rest stop stall or truck stop bathroom, as Forrest Gump said, you never know what you’re gonna get. Will it be a biohazard site with no soap or toilet paper? Will there be a wasp nest in the middle stall? Will it be one of those truck stops that look normal from the outside but the bathroom is inexplicably a sparkling, ornate, palatial oasis? Whenever I’m approaching the door of a rest stop bathroom, I say a little prayer to Saint Chevron, asking for, at the very least, a few squares of clean toilet paper and no bodily fluids present above eye level.
Sample prayer: Saint Chevron, Saint Chevron, please be my guide, to a stall without something horrible fermenting inside.
Saint Hold, Patron Saint of Customer Service Phone Calls
I have a fun little personality quirk that causes me to frequently burst into tears while on the phone with customer service. It’s usually a combination of frustration, helplessness, and shock at the impenetrable vastness of bureaucracy. The following companies all have recordings of me earnestly crying: Tmobile, Comcast, Kaiser Permanente, AT&T, Verizon, Blue Cross Blue Shield, Aetna, Metro Nashville Recycling, and Edible Arrangements.
I can sit in a therapist’s office talking about my deepest emotional wounds for hours without shedding a single tear, but as soon someone asks me to slowly spell my last name, I’m suddenly sobbing uncontrollably. It’s weird. Luckily, there’s a (made up) saint for that.
Sample Prayer: Saint Hold, Saint Hold, please use your powers, to keep this phone call to under four hours.
Saint Flo, Patron Saint of Poorly Timed Periods
It seems to be a law of nature that any major event will coincide with my period. Whenever I look at the calendar and realize, with horror, that an important happening is set to fall on the bloatiest, crampiest day of my period, I pray to the Patron Saint of Poorly Timed Periods to please take pity on me and adjust my cycle accordingly.
Sample Prayer: Saint Flo, Saint Flo, please do what you do, and hold onto my uterine lining for an extra day or two.
Saint Actually, Patron Saint of Facebook Political Arguments
Do you have a lot of friends from high school who think you’re being unfairly harsh in dismissing white supremacists’ points of view? Is your extended family overly fond of the terms “snowflake” or “fake news”? Did you just post something sliiiiiiiiightly controversial and the “someone is typing a comment” ellipses appear right away? Saint Actually is here for you.
Sample Prayer: Saint Actually, Saint Actually, please soothe Aunt Ruth, who believes Donald Trump’s tweets are the gospel truth.
Saint Browse, Patron Saint Of Netflix Viewing Decisions
For every hour I spend watching something on Netflix, I spend an average of 14 hours browsing Netflix trying to decide what to watch. When I’m feeling most indecisive and all the gritty murder documentaries are blurring together, I call on Saint Browse to guide me.
Sample Prayer: Saint Browse, Saint Browse, please hear my plea, and guide me to an engaging documentary.
Another saint I use in this scenario? Saint Knope, Patron Saint of Just Watch Another Episode of Parks & Rec That You’ve Already Seen And Call It A Day.