As an Uber driver, I have the privilege of talking to and eavesdropping on a sampling of LA’s finest, ranging from the clinically insane to the simply self-absorbed. As a writer, there is no end to the amount of inspiration my passengers provide. Sometimes, though, I hear things that make me think, damn, I can’t make that shit up. I’m just going to relay these little nuggets from Crazy Town to you, dear readers. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.
The deluded pop singer from Singapore: “Hold on one second, let me put my girlfriend in the trunk.” (He opens the trunk and puts his guitar inside.) “My girlfriend, she’s a little quiet, a little too passive for me, but she’s got all the right curves, you know? I strum her a lot though… Not on her G-string of course. But she likes it. She purrs.”
The self-published author: “He’s mad at me because of a passage in the book about him filming bums having sex to the sound of Bjork. I’m sorry, but that’s what happened. I don’t know why he’s so mad! I wrote that it was like Funny or Die but for porn like he wanted, so I just don’t get it.”
The Beverly Hills diva with a deviated septum gossiping with her metrosexual BFF: “Wait, wait, go back to her Instagram. What’s up with her butt? Am I right? It’s, like, all dimply and lopsided. She for sure got that done in Tijuana.”
The golf instructor who tried foot golf for the first time: “I rediscovered my passion for kicking balls.”
An esthetician from Venice: “He’s telling me to take a class on vampire facials that costs five thousand dollars. Is he fucking stupid? Vampire facials are so 2014.”
A finance bro, an 80-year-old grandmother, and a Milwaukee hipster: “I’ve never had a woman driver before!”
A very drunk girl: “I haven’t talked to my boyfriend in 48 hours!” The drunk girl’s roommate: “He’s not your boyfriend, though. It’s been like two weeks.” Drunk girl: “I’m not into labels.” Roommate: “Then why do you insist on calling him your boyfriend?” Drunk girl: “He’s just busy saving the world.” Roommate:What are you talking about? He’s a security guard.” Drunk girl: “But he likes to pull my hair. (Burps.) That’s true love.”