#Winning at Target
The key here is to know your limits. You want to be just drunk enough to not care about sorting through all the XS and XXL shirts for a medium, but not so drunk you get lost.
For all of you crazy people that think going to Target is ever a good idea during the holiday season, this list of ways to survive a shopping trip to Target is for you…
1. Snacks: Make sure to pack your purse with lots and lots of snacks. If you’re shopping with your boyfriend, bring a cooler loaded with various sandwiches and hope God has mercy on your soul. It’s a known fact that for each 10 minutes you spend in a Target, your blood glucose level drops by 15 mg/dL. The trick is to eat the calzone before you start feeling faint.
2. Get drunk…but not too drunk: Getting a little buzz on for your holiday shopping is a great idea, and for many, a necessity. The key here is to know your limits. You want to be just drunk enough to not care about sorting through all the XS and XXL shirts for a medium, but not so drunk you get lost. Get an Uber if you can’t stop at one water bottle full of pinot. You don’t want to be that person sobering up with a bucket of popcorn and a gingerbread latte at the attached Starbucks. Or do you…?
3. Leave your credit cards at home: Preferably buried in the backyard until January 1st. It’s not your fault you end up spending way more than you intended. The Target store layout is like one big Jedi mind trick to get you to buy crap you don’t need. Think of the dollar section as a gateway drug and stay far, far away.
4. Wear blinders: In conjunction with step 3, you’ll be extra likely to buy the just thing you actually went to Target to buy. (No guarantees you won’t leave with a Christmas-y coffee mug, though. Damn you Target for being so f**king festive!)
5. Become a Buddhist monk: Breathing and counting to 10 might work on an average day at Target, but the holidays require a little more. To really find your center/avoid strangling the guy in front of you in line paying with all spare change, learn the peaceful ways of Buddhist monks. They’re, like, experts at not killing screaming toddlers. And lucky for you, WikiHow has a guide for becoming a monk in only 13 steps. What better way to make room for a Target haul than giving up all your worldly possessions?
6. Use the Companion app: If you haven’t heard about it already, Companion is an app that allows users’ friends and family to keep tabs while they’re on the move. While this is great for women walking home alone at night, it’s also great for people who worry about getting trampled by the massive crowds at Target. Your mom can see if your GPS has been stuck in the cleaning supplies aisle for more than 15 seconds, so she’ll know you’re wounded and stranded. Alternatively, if you’ve been playing Angry Birds for an hour, the app will know a baby stole your phone off your dead body and automatically call the morgue.
7. Channel Carol from The Walking Dead: If the zombie apocalypse breaks out in the midst of your holiday shopping, channel Carol and do whatever it takes to survive. This could mean smearing yourself with zombie blood to blend in, threatening adolescent boys, and throwing passive aggressive barbs at cliquey housewives—all while wearing a cardigan. Even if people don’t turn into actual zombies, channeling Carol’s badassery is probably a good idea anyway.