The Only Tip You’ll Need To Survive The Holidays: Masturbate

It'll cure what ails ya.

It'll cure what ails ya.

The holidays can be a difficult time for anyone. Over the next two weeks we'll offer you some self-care strategies. Read more here.

This time of year it seems there’s a new list popping up everyday about how to fight stress during the holidays. However, the problem is that most want you to do more when you have enough on your plate as it is. Organize! Make crafts! Speed-read! Because nothing calms a person down like gluing things and catching every other word of War and Peace.

Have no fear. I’ve got you covered with one easy tip to stay stress-free for every holiday conundrum you might face this season.

Your mother-in-law is coming to town and you still need to bake a pie.

Solution: Pick up a pie from your favorite local bakery — hell, pick up two! Swap out the aluminum pie tins with your ceramic ones and say you baked them yourself. From scratch. Look like a saint and get a little alone time by offering to pick her up from the airport. Then masturbate while you wait in the parking lot.

You have only an hour to get ready for your friend’s holiday party and you have nothing to wear.

Solution: Draw yourself a nice bubble bath. Light some candles and use those bath salts you've been saving for a special occasion. Masturbate for 55 minutes. Use the last five to throw on whatever does not have visible stains out of the laundry hamper.

The turkey is so dry even the dog won’t eat it.

Solution: Fireball shots to the rescue! Pour a round for everyone while you order a boatload of Chinese delivery. Quietly excuse yourself to the ladies’ room and masturbate until the doorbell rings.

You’re stuck in traffic trying to get to Father O’Malley’s Christmas toy drive.

Solution: If it’s bumper to bumper, put that car in park and masturbate.

The oven caught on fire.

Solution: Put out the fire. Then masturbate.

You forgot to pick up the eighth Hanukkah gift.

Solution: Re-wrap the first one. Masturbate.

The corporate nature of the holiday season has got you really questioning the value of a consumerist society.

Solution: Masturbate while only browsing online stores.

You burned the cookies. 

Solution: Buy a box of those fancy cookies from Trader Joes. Masturbate.

You had five too many gin and tonics at your work’s casual afternoon holiday mixer and barfed all over yourself.

Solution: Brush your teeth and walk out with your head held up high. Go straight home and masturbate.

No holiday bonus.

Solution: Masturbate. It cost nothing.

You’re all alone on Christmas Eve. Your favorite jazz record plays while you open the Amazon packages you ordered for yourself. You open a fancy bottle of wine, not caring if you can’t finish it. There’s a meal in the oven you lovingly prepared for you and only you. Tights won’t be digging into your stomach tonight because you’re lounging like a queen in the comfiest robe you own. Suddenly, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and realize you look freaking gorgeous in the warm glow of the twinkle lights.

Solution: Girl, you know what to do…

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