If you’re tired and want some unfettered coitus, the spoon will be your bread and butter. (Image: Thinkstock)
Sex is amazing, but let’s address the giant pink, dildo in the room: while sex IS super fun, sex is also exhausting. It’s an entire workout in itself. You can burn 207 calories in just 30 minutes of f*cking. That’s literally how many calories I burn on the elliptical in the same amount of time.
Sex is no joke.
I’ve always been somewhat of a self-proclaimed pillow princess. I love sex but when it comes to getting off, I’m all about having an orgasm that requires little to no effort from me. I could rant forever about the ethics of the pillow princess, but that is neither here nor there. The point is I love sex, and even though I am lazy as all hell, I still want to come and make my partner come.
Since we’re all here to get some ass and go home happy, I’ve come up with a handy guide to help you get your jollies without exerting yourself to the point of an early death.
Here are eight tried and true (and exceptionally satisfying) sex tips for lazy AF people:
1. Doggy style next to the bed.
While standing, have your partner stand behind you and lay your top half over the bed so that they can enter you from behind. This will be an easy position for both of you because your partner doesn’t have to exert any upper body strength like he or she might if they were in regular missionary
It’s great for you because you get to just lie there and chill. It offers great g-spot stimulation.
2. Open-legged spoon.
Lie on your back and have your partner lie on his or her side. Spread your legs and drape them over your partner's side for them to enter you. You will look like a sexy crab and your partner will have a great view, and reasonable pinching access to your boobs and nips.
Your partner will be able to thrust without any serious work and you’ll be free to lie back and relax. This groovy take on the classic spooning position allows for deeper penetration and easy clitoral access, all while skipping the sweat.
3. Flat doggy.
Doggy style is a pretty easy position, but nothing is quite as lazy and fabulous as the flat doggy. Instead of being on fours, your partner behind you and thrusting away, have them enter you the same way, only lie completely flat on the bed, with your legs closed. It will still be pretty strenuous for your partner, but you get to do literally nothing and that’s amazing. Plus, with your legs together, it's a much tighter fit for your partner. Win-win, all around.
Have your partner sit up and straddle them like a pretzel, facing them. Unlike cowgirl, their torso will block you from a full-range of movement and subsequent heart attack. Gyrate your hips back and forth, slowly. This is a very sensual position and isn’t meant to be a speed-race.
This position is one of my personal favorites because it is very intimate. You can kiss your partner passionately all while rocking against him or her to achieve orgasm.
5. Standing to seated.
This one is a lot like that doggy style next to the bed position, only you’re on your back. Have your partner stand next to the bed and place your legs over their shoulders. When they enter you, you’ll once again be able to lie back and enjoy the very erotic view of your partner thrusting and flexing, all while being severely dominated. It’s very hot.
And, the best part of course, you have to do essentially nothing but enjoy yourself. What a time to be alive.
6. Masturbate together.
Sometimes you really are just TOO lazy for sex, but TOO horny to do nothing. When you want to have an orgasm, but just can’t muster the energy for intercourse, masturbae together.
Getting off in tandem, and in your own preferred ways, can actually be a huge turn on. Watching your partner touch his or herself is like getting an eye-full of your very own, personal porno...only with someone you truly love.
It’s amazing for intimacy, as you get to see each other in a vulnerable, but sexy position. It can bring you closer and that is just the icing on a lazy person’s cake.
7. The classic spoon.
The classic spoon is the darling of lazy people far and wide. If you’re tired and want some unfettered coitus, the spoon will be your bread and butter. It is the oatmeal of sex positions, it’s kind of boring, but also very healthy and it gets the job done.
Have your partner enter you from behind, while lying astride to your naked body. It’s a simple position that has very little complaints. Bring in a small vibrator to increase clitoral stimulation, without having to do any extra work.
If you’re lazy, nothing is better than some good old oral sex. I’m not saying this should be your go-to bedroom tactic, but it should definitely be on your list of sexy tricks when you’re feeling frisky and particularly lazy.
Stick a pillow under your butt to give your partner easier access to your clit. Breathing room increases your chances of cunnilingus and that is what’s up.