“Introducing Nexsey! No more shall we hide our necks as we age!”
Hold the phone, people. Something else to make us feel inadequate has been invented. It’s called Nexsey and it’s a piece of medical grade TAPE used to rein in neck wrinkles. You simply grab all that gross skin, pinch it to the back of your neck, and tape that shit down. Then, “let your hair down or allow collar to cover tape, as applicable,” as step seven of the instructions states.
“Sixty is the new sexy!” the web copy proclaims. Well, thank goodness I can stop worrying about Nana’s sex appeal. She can stay available for the patriarchy’s consumption forever! Eye Candy 4 Lyfe, y’all.
The reviews on Nexsey’s site are really inspiring. I like this one:
"Hey I got my lift tape and it's amazingly easy to use!!! Maybe because I am so desperate!!! LOL!!! Thx again!!!!"
And this one warmed my heart, because the struggle is real when you have friends so much younger and more beautiful than you are:
"I tried out the Nexsey tape the other day when I met my 7 year younger girlfriend for lunch….I looked at the front of my neck in the mirror and it was so smooth without the tiny bit of crepey skin directly in the middle of my neck. I felt like it was so nice and wrinkle free without any detection of the tape at all! I absolutely love it! I will definitely have to continue to use the Nexsey tape whenever I go out of the house to meet up with anyone!"
Don’t worry if you’ve never heard of this company; they’ve been around for a while. They also made Fullips, a red plastic thingamajig you use to make a hickey on your own lips, so they look as beautiful as they did in your youth! Be careful, too much suction causes bruising for up to a week, but we must suffer to be beautiful. The full lip effects only last one hour for new users but you’ll be glad to know that “the lips will get trained” and the blood pooling in them will be trapped there longer.
I really wanted to enter my Nana in this Timeless Beauty contest but it closed on January 2nd. Bummer! Check out this enticing copy:
"At Nexsey we believe all women are beautiful. All shapes, colors and ages! (That’s so nice of you, Nexsey!)
Confidence, experience, intelligence, style and drive come with maturity. As we age, we often strive to look as good on the outside as we feel on the inside! (We do? Who judges that?)
We would like to honor the mature woman so if you know a woman over 60? Please nominate her with what makes her beautiful to you! (Unless it’s her neck and lips, just as they are, or her self-confidence and lack of desire to capitulate to stupid trends)
Twelve winners will receive our full line of Nexsey products and a 3 pack of Fullips enhancers!” (You won, Nana! Now you don’t have to look hideous anymore!)
Be careful not to be too active, because sweat and moisture ruins the tape’s grip. You’ll just have to have a loose ugly neck at the beach and gym. Sorry. And there’s no hope of beauty if you live in the South. Sorry!
Make sure to always carry a back-up strip in your purse in case Nexsey’s six hour workload stretch is over before you get home.
Once you start, you must continue to wear this tape or people will notice how much worse you look.
Now your neck and lips can look better as you age, and I’ll be sure to keep you updated on any other disturbing inventions to keep us all trussed up tightly. Reclaim your sexiness, mature women of the world! Young men are working hard to manufacture the products for you to do so! Be grateful.