Ladies and Gentlemen, naked yoga is now A Thing.
When I say “naked yoga” I do not mean yoga you practice in the comfort and warmth of your family room. No, I mean “naked yoga” as in yoga that you practice in a studio, in the light of day, with other people who are also naked.
So so naked.
I am ALL about nudity. I am not being hyperbolic. I hate clothing. Pants are literal torture. Maybe I’m fabric averse. Maybe I’m an exhibitionist. Maybe I just hate laundry.
But you will never ever ever find me naked in a yoga studio.
Here are 6 reasons why:
1. Pendulous breasts.
Naked yoga would be great for someone who is 20 and didn’t breastfeed for 10 years, one whose breasts retain their youthful gravity defying vigor.
My boobs? Tube socks with a marble in the end. Down Dog? Titties Down to The Floor. Standing Forward Bend? Standing Forward Suffocate Yourself With Your Own Boobs.
Everybody Poops. Everybody farts. Everybody does not need to fart in my face.
Yoga makes you fart. Which can be really great for your digestive system, but really bad for everyone around you.
Yoga pants offer A. fart sound muffling and B. fart scent diffusion. Real talk, there is going to be a lot of farting in a class full of lentil-loving vegans.
3. Vag flatulence.
You know what I’m talking about. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s probably because you didn’t push an 11 pound human out of your body.
If this is the first time you’re being made aware of the joy that is cooch gas, I’m sorry. Welcome to motherhood, a place where your nipples turn into those old school ice cream cones, your va-jeen farts, and your labia look like leaves of Red Romaine.
4. And speaking of Lettuce-Leaf Labia.
When your va-jay lets loose of the trapped sandalwood-scented air, feel free to invite the class to join your flank steaks in a namaste chorus.
The Sandalwood-Scented Air in me bows to the Sandalwood-Scented Air in you.
The fact that erections happen for a lot of reasons is kind of moot when you’ve got a ding-dong in your face.
And I’m not just talking about the ladies being assaulted by a pocket rocket in full salute, this could pose a serious risk to the dude in boat pose. This is the very thing your grandmother was talking about when she said you’d poke your eye out.
6. You didn’t have enough shit to be self-conscious about already.