Eliana Osborn

Your partner will make you want to throw up at some point. Pure, unadulterated disgust.

I’m not alone in being troubled by how people suddenly disappear in life, right? That’s essentially why the internet was created. You may have heard rumors about Al Gore inventing it for military purposes... Lies!

I wanted to write a book last summer. Then I realized what a terrible goal that was and modified accordingly.

I’m not there yet. But I need to be honest—I’m closer to 40 than any other multiple of five.

After years in apartments that should have been condemned, even these sad restroom facilities were vast improvements. And so we stayed, the husband and I, vaguely embarrassed when guests stayed over and commented on the bordello vibe of the bathroom.

Then we had a kid. No working bathtub suddenly seemed like a big deal. And the functional bathroom spaces weren’t places you’d want to hang out. There’s a lot of bathroom time once you’ve got tiny humans. (You’ve been warned.)

1. Write a damn letter.

Standardized tests are taking over the world. I can say this because it is true. Like a creeping vine that seems attractive and charming at first, tests appear to be reasonable for the data and direction they can provide.

Is anyone else with me on this? White foods are NASTY.

A haircut is a whole lot cheaper than therapy or tattoos or a round-the-world plane ticket.

The other magical thing about living in 2015 is the Internet. You can get great training in all kinds of fields while sitting in your underwear at home.