Eliana Osborn

I wanted to write a book last summer. Then I realized what a terrible goal that was and modified accordingly.

Eighteen hours, even if prepared with reading and art material, snacks, and an upgrade to China Airline’s family couch seating, is still EIGHTEEN HOURS.

Best case scenario? A few hours of activity, then we all fall asleep comfortably. Worst case? Well, let's just say it involves blood splatter on those weird double-paned airplane window.

Look, Connect Four is not a good game. But it can be over quickly, which is pretty great.

A haircut is a whole lot cheaper than therapy or tattoos or a round-the-world plane ticket.

I am going to have amazing posture. My neck will look so skinny just from the way I hold my head.

I’m proud of you right now, even with all the sadness. Proud of you for heading to rehab, leaving the kids, the man, the house — all of it — to get on top of things. Doing it instead of just thinking about it, talking about it even, hemming and hawing? That’s pretty badass.

Really, you should thank me. I’m just protecting your future self.

Perfectly Karaoke Or Lip Sync A Song: You may think this is less important than the other items on the list. You are wrong.

What’s That Smell? Sniffing Out Weird House Odors

If you kill a tortoise, even on accident, you probably shouldn’t have children.