Eliana Osborn

If you kill a tortoise, even on accident, you probably shouldn’t have children.

Sick of hearing about your friend's perfect pregnancy?Give one of these amazing gifts at the baby shower and you shouldn’t have to worry about this anymore.

I am going to have amazing posture. My neck will look so skinny just from the way I hold my head.

I look tired when I stay up too late. I also look tired if I get eight hours of sleep.

Don’t listen to horror stories about airplane tantrums. Listen to me while I let you in on the secret perks of seeing the world with kiddos.

My husband is worried about stigma, about Owen feeling different, about epilepsy being part of his identity. Those are sweet concerns, really. And I get it — I love the kid too. I’d never want to make his life harder in any way.

Your partner will make you want to throw up at some point. Pure, unadulterated disgust.

I’ve got two tales of hideous male behavior — at the elementary school, somewhere typically full of good vibes and happiness and all that.

...But not in the way you'd think.

My sister Liz is full of wisdom, like my favorite quote I’ve shared with practically everyone I know: “Every pair of underwear has two good sides.”