Eliana Osborn

Now that I’m a mother, I’m much more sympathetic to a woman who just couldn’t take it anymore. Not saying I’d leave my kids in a parking lot and hope for the best . . . just saying that I can understand the impulse.

If you kill a tortoise, even on accident, you probably shouldn’t have children.

How do you love someone who continually does things to hurt himself? I’ve been holding a phone with my stoned, sobbing brother on the other end for nearly 20 years. I keep picking up the pieces, keep having my heart break, because he’s my brother.

I’ve developed a fast and furious passion for the new Daily Show host, Trevor Noah.

You may have heard the term "bromance" and tried to wash your ears out with bleach (bad idea). Sadly, scientist types heard the word too.

A haircut is a whole lot cheaper than therapy or tattoos or a round-the-world plane ticket.

Sometimes the nicest kids turn into whole new people when they come over to your house.

Size, like age and salary and whatever else, is just a number. Pretending numbers don’t measure things isn’t helpful. I’m 38 years old: That isn’t good or bad, but it IS different from being 18 or 50.

I look tired when I stay up too late. I also look tired if I get eight hours of sleep.

Sick of hearing about your friend's perfect pregnancy?Give one of these amazing gifts at the baby shower and you shouldn’t have to worry about this anymore.