Joni Edelman

Silly me, I thought the darn thing took care of itself. Little did I know I was sorely mistaken and had a vagina complex.

My cocktail is wrong. It’s a gin and tonic with only gin. It’s a martini with 10 olives. And I can’t stand the sun. Not today. Not this month.

“I don’t even know what to say, Joni. Your baby isn’t alive.”

Sam: The first time you mentioned that you have five kids I was like WHAT THE ACTUAL. FIVE HUMANS. FIVE HUMANS CAME OUT OF YOU. Like, not at the same time, but they came out and like, that sounds painful and scary WHY DID YOU DO THAT??

Attention Civilians: Colonel David Iverson does not want to see your boobs.

I don’t think of myself as fat. Not inside, anyway.

Suffering is America’s favorite thing to do. We starve ourselves to lose weight, and we’re a success story. We don’t sleep, and we’re just getting SO MUCH DONE. We do a thousand things a day and involve our kids in a thousand activities, because somehow, in some perverted way, that makes us successful.

1. All vaginas are good vaginas.

4. A high school government class.

When I had my first child, I couldn't have prepared for the way it would make me feel.