Rebekah Kuschmider

You all know what that means, right? Matching “Thank you for being a friend” t-shirts and “Picture it! Sicily, 1932!” tote bags for everyone! Wheeee! Oh, and cheesecake. So much cheesecake!

See, Brexit wasn’t anything light-hearted and fun. It was a referendum vote over whether Britain should remain a part of the European Union. It took place yesterday, and the people decided to split apart.

Your body is smart as hell and it does not want you to die. If you start depriving it of fuel, it will slow down the rate at which you burn fuel and step up the desire to provide it with more fuel. In others words, you’ll burn fewer calories and you’ll be hungry all the time.

When I saw the trending hashtag #DemocraticWhores, I got really excited, thinking maybe Democrats were all strutting around today in those sensational boots Julia Roberts wore way back in Pretty Woman. Nancy Pelosi could rock those boots, don’t you think?

Disney is a pretty LGBTQ-friendly company. They hire LGBTQ people, offer them good benefits, and refuse to make movies in states that don’t treat LGBTQ folks right. The only thing they haven’t done yet is make any major characters in their movies gay. There was that one scene in Frozen where Oaken (the guy with the trading post) gestured to his family and it appeared that his partner was also a guy, so that was cool. But gay princes or princesses? Not yet.

Friends, I would like to announce that we have reached Peak Fall. How do I know this? Because I have discovered that there is pumpkin spice flavored vodka.

We all spoil our pets, right? I’m certainly guilty of it. My dog’s favorite things are bully sticks, which are literally dried bull penises. They cost about $1 a pop and that’s kind of splurge for an animal who can amuse herself by licking her own butt.

Is Hillary Clinton going to jail for having email? The world — and last night’s debate moderators — want to know!

The short answer is: probably not.

Unless one of her emails contains a confession for actually killing Vince Foster. Which seems unlikely, since Hillary has a law degree from Yale and I think the first thing they teach you there is, “Don’t write incriminating shit down.”

I’ve gotta say, mind-magic like this would be an exciting addition to the scope of presidential powers.

Good lord, I don’t even know how to start this.