Rebekah Kuschmider

Someone is going to try and tell you that John McCain saved Obamacare. Or Lisa Murkowski. Or Susan Collins. But it was you. YOU.

This week in Batty State Lawmaker News, teens in Washington State lobbied for reproductive health services and, instead of respect, they got slut s

Is Hillary Clinton going to jail for having email? The world — and last night’s debate moderators — want to know!

The short answer is: probably not.

Unless one of her emails contains a confession for actually killing Vince Foster. Which seems unlikely, since Hillary has a law degree from Yale and I think the first thing they teach you there is, “Don’t write incriminating shit down.”

Aside from the physical and psychological toll these injuries take, they also leave many combat veterans unable to have children without medical assistance. The problem becomes even more complicated when they discover that the VA doesn’t cover IVF.

Hopeful readers, may I present to you, the three-time mayor of Cormorant, Minnesota: DUKE!

It makes us feel better to say “My kid would never…” but you know what? Any kid might. They run into the street, they climb too high in trees, they put things they find on the ground in their mouths — and it all happens in a second, while a parent’s head is turned.

Allegedly, Botox in the scrotum can relax the scrotal sack and allow the balls to drop more, making them look more prominent. It also makes the scrotum less wrinkly. The guy in the video was pleased with the results and said his girlfriend was pleased as well. Same with the guy in Cosmo. So, that’s two happy customers who were willing to share their experience with the world wide web.

I have zero interest in reliving the years of mutually assured destruction that characterized U.S.-Russian relations during my childhood. And I definitely don't want to do it with Kim Jong Un, who is far less level-headed than Mikhail Gorbachev. And I sure as hell don't want to do it with Donald Trump.

Friends, I would like to announce that we have reached Peak Fall. How do I know this? Because I have discovered that there is pumpkin spice flavored vodka.

Surgeons at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, MD are planning to attempt the first US penis transplant. The surgery will be performed on a soldier who was wounded in Afghanistan.