Rebekah Kuschmider

We interrupt this dumpster fire that is the United States of America in 2017 to bring you what is probably the most horrifying news in the history

If you are a dog or a cat and have sensitive hearing and a limited understanding of patriotism, fireworks seem like an assault. For all your dog knows, the world is actually ending in a blaze of colorful sparkles and loud explosions.

Your dog was destined to be your best friend. It’s SCIENCE.

The First Amendment of the Constitution guarantees every citizen the right to petition the government for redress of grievances. Notably, there are no instructions for exactly how to petition the government, and no limits on what kind of grievances for which citizens may seek redress. Which is why it’s totally constitutional and patriotic that a lady lit into Florida Governor Rick Scott in a Starbucks.

I got a puppy last fall, and I’ve spent about a zillion dollars on different things for her to chew. She really likes bully sticks, which are dehydrated bull penises. It cracks me up every time I give one to her and say, “Here. Go eat a dick.”

Women I’ve known with breast cancer are willing to go through screening, diagnosis, and treatment once — and only once.

I can’t use this space today for quirky news blurbs. Instead, I want to remind us all of our fundamental right to have the America we want — and how we can get it.

The worlds of theme parks and virtual reality give us all kinds of opportunities to experience adventures that are out of the realm of possibility.

If you’re lucky enough to live near Willamette Valley in Oregon, you can get a dose of outdoor yoga with cute little goats at No Regrets Farm.

It’s October, and everything is about to go pink for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. That means we all get our annual reminder to be aware of our own breast tissue and all the ways we can take care of it.