Rebekah Kuschmider

Brace yourselves, folks. I may be about to present you with the best news of 2016: ice cream for breakfast can make you smarter!

It’s all the fun of getting new stuff without all the hassle of driving, parking, going into a store, experiencing sensory overload, and walking out with a bag full of items that closely resemble items you purchased the last time you decided to go shopping.

Anyone who has ever lived with a dog knows the joy of having your best friend greet you at the door every time you come home. Or return from getting the mail. Or walk out of the shower.

Some of Republican senators' discomfort with voting for their health bill is due to groups of frantic activists who have been pummeling the Senate phone lines, showing up at Senate offices, and even staging a “People’s Filibuster” by rallying on the steps of the Capitol. All of them are begging their elected officials to represent the interests of the sick and the poor, not just the rich and powerful.

PornHub has announced the upcoming launch of BangFit, a phone app that — you guessed it — helps you get fit by banging.

I am not sure the human race is really good enough to deserve dogs.

The race itself was anti-climactic because it wasn’t a race. It was basically two heats of a race. First, scientists convinced a wild great white to chase a hunk of fake seal meat for 100 meters so they could time it. Then Phelps donned a specially designed shark suit and swam the exact same route.

There’s a new drug hitting the hottest clubs in Europe, and I suspect it’ll soon cross the pond to America. Or maybe it’s already here — in your cabinet, desk drawer, or the end-caps at your grocery store.

Now, listen. I know that anything that happens in 45 minutes with an aesthetician isn't going to be wizardry. It might not even be noticeable. But I also know that I am not very good at treating myself to nice things that involve sitting down and letting other people take care of me.

Lakeland Florida authorities were summoned by an alert citizen who told them, “I've got a dead body over here in the lake. Uh, it looks like an alligator is trying to pull it down under.”