Rebekah Kuschmider

This year, as a special treat from Mother Nature, who appears to be pro-choice, there will be a blizzard bearing down on DC as the marchers do their anti-choice thing. Now, I’m a long time DC area resident. I’ve seen a lot of these marches, and there are a few things I know:

Your body is smart as hell and it does not want you to die. If you start depriving it of fuel, it will slow down the rate at which you burn fuel and step up the desire to provide it with more fuel. In others words, you’ll burn fewer calories and you’ll be hungry all the time.

Like Gwyneth, I’m a mom of two kids, so I’m kind of hung up on the fact that she has the time to take a whole bath every night. I usually only manage to squeeze in a prison shower after the kids are in bed and before I collapse, so this brush-and-bathe routine is really amazing to me.

I know a woman who worked in an inner-city hospital before the passage of Roe v Wade. Every week, staff there saw women come in battling massive infection or blood loss. They actually reserved beds for women like this because it was so common. The cause? Illegal, unsafe abortions. But that was then, right? That was 42 years ago, right? That doesn’t happen anymore, right? Wrong.

The late actress Bea Arthur gave us many wonderful things in her lifetime. Vera Charles. Maude Findlay. Dorthy Zpornak.

“You know, in my next life, when I come back, I want to be someone in the WTA because they ride on the coattails of the men. They don't make any decisions, and they are lucky. They are very, very lucky. If I was a lady player, I'd go down every night on my knees and thank God that Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal were born because they have carried this sport. They really have.”

“The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them” - Da

Surgeons at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, MD are planning to attempt the first US penis transplant. The surgery will be performed on a soldier who was wounded in Afghanistan.

Pregnancy is 40 weeks along. Everyone knows that. Except we’re finding out that maybe it isn’t 40 weeks. It might only be 38 weeks. Or 43 weeks. Or maybe 42 weeks. You see, new research has find out out that length of pregnancy varies and due dates are LIES, ALL LIES.

If you are looking for a slightly spooky career change this Halloween season, I’m here to tell you that the Catholic Church is looking for a few good… exorcists.