Rebekah Kuschmider

The next few months are going to feel like drinking from a firehose of bad political news. Just today, my email is pinging away with alerts about all the executive orders that Trump seems to have signed expressly to make me, Rebekah Kuschmider, lose my mind. I keep feeling jolts of adrenaline, and I reach for my phone to email or call or Tweet or SOMETHING to release my endless rage.

When I saw the trending hashtag #DemocraticWhores, I got really excited, thinking maybe Democrats were all strutting around today in those sensational boots Julia Roberts wore way back in Pretty Woman. Nancy Pelosi could rock those boots, don’t you think?

The manatees were engaged in a little mutual oral pleasure — or, as the kids call it, 69. Way to go, manatees!

If Doritos wanted to change something, I’d say they should make their chips slightly smaller so the edges don’t scrape the roof of your mouth when you bite into them. That’s all.

Oh Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz. The Senator from Texas has been working hard this campaign season to shore up his conservative bona fides, including a memoir that talks about some of his more notable cases from when he was Solicitor General for Texas. But he skips a really interesting — nay — prurient case involving the legality of selling and using sex toys. Mother Jones ran a detailed analysis of it today and woo boy, is the internet going nuts!

When I need a moment to feel better about everything around me, I type “dogs” into the search field of my news app and wait for the magic to happen. Dogs always come through, and today is no different.

This past weekend, a dog wandering the streets of Elkmont, AL came across a half marathon and started trotting along with the runners.

Wanna vape? You’re gonna need ID for that.

BREAKING NEWS –– or maybe epic flashback? I don’t know what to call this exactly.

This year, as a special treat from Mother Nature, who appears to be pro-choice, there will be a blizzard bearing down on DC as the marchers do their anti-choice thing. Now, I’m a long time DC area resident. I’ve seen a lot of these marches, and there are a few things I know: