Rebekah Kuschmider

The special counsel is former FBI director Robert Mueller. The same FBI director who, under President George W. Bush, threatened to quit rather than unconstitutionally wiretap U.S. citizens without a warrant. This is a by-the-book, law and order kind of guy. And his chief ally within the Department of Justice at that moment? James Comey.

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We salute you, fidget spinner dog. You are a good boy.

So — who is everyone thinking about when they masturbate? The sex toy company We-Vibe wanted to find out, so they asked 1,000 people who their favorite celeb fantasies were.

OMG, y’all. This has been a week.

And here I thought the best way to improve sexual performance was to be attentive to your partner and discuss what feels good and what feels even better. Silly sex-positive me.

No mention is made of what happens should a teen be estranged from one parent, should a teen be in a single-parent family, if there are geographic distances between a teen and a parent, and did I mention that abortions are nobody’s beeswax? Yeah.

Paul Ryan and 216 other Republican representatives (but no Democrats, FYI) voted to pass the American Health Care Act (AHCA), which is an attempt to unmake everything that the Affordable Act (Obamacare, if you’re a nasty woman or bad hombre) did to make health insurance more accessible, more comprehensive, and less expensive.

ERMEHGERD! HERRY PERTTER!!!!!!!!!!

Call me when Starbucks is serving a drink laced with cyanide and then I’ll join you in outrage.