It's fall y'all.
It’s officially fall. Oh, and hey! The world didn’t end on September 23rd, which I’m pretty pumped about. Why? Because besides living my actual best life now, I LOVE AUTUMN. I love the trees, I love the rainy cool weather, I love the crisp air that makes me glad to be alive, I love hot cider and pumpkin patches and being cozy. Everything starts to smell like a craft store in the best possible way, and I start eyeing those brown boots in the back of my closet that make me feel like an effing harvest queen. I’ve kind of made it my life’s work to embrace and celebrate this season.
Here's how you can, too.
1. Pumpkin Spice ALL THE THINGS.
I feel like this is almost too easy. Pumpkin spicing your latte is sooo 2013. Basic. Think next level here. Pumpkin spice your toast, your waffles, your tea, your kitchen, your super trendy air plants, your children. Sprinkle that shit like glitter. Literally everything is pumpkin spice-able. The only limit is your imagination, so make PS your Fall AF seasoning.
2. Unlock your Fall Festival Expert Level achievement.
Pumpkin patches are lame. Who wants to wait in line for a hayride to a giant field with overpriced pumpkins stuck in the mud? Instead of doing the traditional pumpkin patch experience, try growing your own patch in your front yard. Go crazy with your pumpkins, because nobody likes negative space in pumpkin pictures.
Open up your Fall Festival to your neighbors. Charge them an admission price. Sell pumpkin spiced cider and cookies. Set up an Olan Mills style professional photo backdrop with all those pumpkins. Throw in a cinnamon broom, a headless scarecrow, and a few other gourds for visual interest. Insist on taking pictures of everyone and include yourself in them.
Bobbing for apples is a fantstic idea. Be sure to coat the apples in Vaseline to add an extra challenge and use festive handcuffs to secure hands behind backs so no cheating can occur. Set up your backyard as a maze. Offer a cash prize for anyone who finds the end of the maze, but don’t actually have an exit point. This will confound and excite your guests.
You might also like: #RavsRecipes: Pumpkin Pie Waffles
3. Decorate the sh*t out of your house.
It used to be that Christmas was the The Holiday you had to decorate for.
Well, guess what? It’s not enough to decorate for Christmas any more. Fall is the new holiday.
Except it is several months long and just bleeds into Christmastime, so there is no definite crescendo or cue for when it ends until you pull out the tree and string up the tinsel. But for the sake of being Fall AF, let’s say Falliday (see what I did there?) commences on September 1st, the same day the PSL graces Starbucks cups everywhere. On September 1st, or any day before Thanksgiving, pull out all of your fall decor.
Oh, you don’t have any? Well, that’s sad.
Gather anything orange, brown, olive green, harvest yellow, and dead. Dead leaves, dead flowers, dead hopes and dreams, and arrange them artistically on your front doorstep. Head to Home Goods or Target and buy all of the autumn-themed kitsch you see, including tablecloths and turkey feathers. Bring them home and decorate every single surface so people KNOW it’s fall when the step into your house.
Although, I suspect the pumpkin spice swirling around your house in a veritable Penzy’s scented tornado might tip them off. You are spreading the fall spirit, damnit. Don’t forget to create vignettes in all of your dark corners, especially the bathroom and your children’s room. These are the places to tell a Falliday story, so use those miniature scarecrows and glitter pumpkins thoughtfully.
4. Make your car a mobile Trunk or Treat.
Want to know how to really make an impact during the Falliday season? Trick out the trunk of your car with a sh*t load of candy and Halloween decor.
Line the trunk with satin and pin it to make it look like a coffin. Add orange lights and spooky spiderwebs. Bonus if those spiderwebs are real and spun by an actual black widow. Head to Costco, and buy as many 5 lb bags of candy as you can fit in your trunk. Don’t be cheap here, either. Nobody likes tootsie rolls or dumdums. Real chocolate and organic sugar treats only.
And don’t you even with those artificial dyes. They've been proven to cause children’s brains to turn into toxic lava right inside their tiny skulls and who wants to clean that up? Not me. Now, roll up to parks, schools, churches, community centers, prisons, daycares, wherever there are people, and pop that trunk. Invite everyone to come take a treat.
If people aren’t making eye contact or taking you up on your offer, approach them. Help them understand that you’re just trying to hand out free candy in the back of your car and there's nothing to fear.
And don’t forget. After the Falliday, Christmas will be here and so will a brand new opportunity to be Christmas AF.