I Don’t Know About You, But I Prefer My Salad Without Dead Bats

First it was the killer cucumbers, now it’s a decomposing bat in a salad; there is nothing left for vegans to eat except quinoa and lentils. 

That’s right, Salad Bat.

But not just Salad Bat, Dead Salad Bat. But not just Dead Salad Bat, Dead Walmart Salad Bat.

You could never trust Walmart. Now you can’t even trust your greens.

To be fair to the bat, I’m not sure if Dead Salad Bat is better or worse than Living Salad Bat. I think probably better, because it can’t bite you? But maybe worse because can salad get rabies?

To be fair to Walmart, the salad wasn't made IN the store. But still, first they buy Modcloth, and now this. WHO CAN YOU TRUST?

Trust no one. 

I don't even think that last gif is from the X Files. Ask me if I care.

WHOOPS. That escalated quickly.


It appears that whomever ate the Dead Salad Bat salad is no worse for wear, except that they will probably NEVER EVER EVER EAT SALAD AGAIN EVER.

Last week there was a bat IN MY HOUSE. It was just flying the frick around in my family room as if it lived here but was confused about the apparent lack of objects from which to hang upside down. It landed on my curtain, after which I carried it outside to release back into its actual habitat — but not before taking 25 or so photos.

Look at IT. It is SO CUTE.

Or deadly. Whatever. Bygones.


After the 25 pictures and the catch and release, I messaged my sister (person with actual Veterinarian Education) and she was like, “OHMYGODJESUSLORD DO NOT TOUCH IT JONI SHIT. RABIESSSSS.”

A few days later, I was in Austin watching like 2 million bats fly out from under the Congress Street bridge.

Two million is NOT an exaggeration.


I assume that none of those bats ended up in a salad — but I can't be sure, it was a LOT of bats.

Is there a bat season? Because I think this is it.

Because when else could I use this GIF?

What kind of bat was it? How long had it been dead? How did a bat even end up in a salad? Who is in charge of quality control? Or more aptly who WAS in charge of quality control before a bat ended up in bag of nutritious, was, but is no longer vegan, salad?

Another compelling reason to have your own garden.

100% Bat-Free lettuce. (Probably a lot of bugs, but you can only see those if you look real close.)

If you like this article, please share it! Your clicks keep us alive!