I'm Pregnant With Twins And Google Has (Too Much) Advice

At this point, I kind of feel like I need to clone myself and buy 12 of everything and win the lottery before October.

At this point, I kind of feel like I need to clone myself and buy 12 of everything and win the lottery before October.

I’m pregnant with twins (as I mentioned before). And the last time I had a baby was seven years ago. I remember nothing from the beginning part of having a baby except that I was tired a lot and basically always had a baby on my breast. 

To help make me more prepared, I turned to Google, as you do. It’s been… educational.  So far, I have learned a lot of things that I want to share with my readers, in case you all had questions as well. 

For twins, you need two of everything. 

Or maybe you don’t. If you don’t have two, what happens if you need the things at the same time? If you don’t have two, it will teach your kids to be patient and wait their turn. The twins should sleep together in the same crib but actually never do that because it’s dangerous or will never allow them to sleep. Also don’t bother with cribs because why not bedshare, but if you bedshare, your babies will suffocate.  You do need two car seats, though. That’s the one thing people all agree on.

You should have a stroller. A double stroller. 

That holds car seats. No, wait, not the car seat one, because good mothers don’t let their kids hang out in car seats all day and do you want them to have a flat head and no social skills? Wait, YES, the car seat one, because lugging around twins without a stroller is crazy. Except strollers are selfish and obnoxious and take up too much space and double strollers are even worse and just get a wrap to carry your babies in so you’re not ruining public space. But if you use a wrap, you’ll have an achy back all the time, and your babies will never learn to self-soothe. Or your babies will feel more securely attached and be happier.

Take your babies out in public a lot to socialize them. 

Umm, no, are you crazy? Never take them out until after their two-month shots. Do want them to get the plague? Don’t take them out, but not because of the germs thing, but because why would you subject other people to loud newborns? Resign yourself to your house forever, or maybe don’t because people can just get over seeing or hearing babies in public because not everything is about them. 

Breastfeed your multiples, except you’ll never be able to because breastfeeding multiples is basically impossible. 

But people did it all the time, so it will be fine. Pump instead, because pumping will be easier and then people can help you feed. Don’t introduce a bottle ever. Introduce a bottle after breastfeeding is well established. 

Good mothers take at least a year off of work. 

They’re only little once! If you’re worried about money,  you should go back in time somehow and plan better. If you don’t go back to work, you’ll be a shell of a person that speaks in baby talk and wears nothing but sweatpants. Your career will also suffer, and you’ll lose a bunch of money and never be able to retire. Why would you have had a baby without a partner that could financially support you forever? Staying home will always and never fulfill you as a person. If you stay home too long, you will lose your edge and probably also never lose the baby weight.

Baby weight will take nine months to lose. 

Not if you take this product that someone you know on Facebook sells, though. Who cares if you lose the baby weight? Everyone cares and will shun you until you’re back to your pre-pregnancy weight. Work out as soon as you can but don’t do that because if you do your uterus will literally fall out. If you care about your partner, who will only love you if you are attractive, work on becoming skinnier immediately. No one cares if you’re healthy after pregnancy; everything is about how attractive or slender you are and when you can fit into your pre-pregnancy clothes. 

Whew! I hope that cleared things up for everyone! At this point, I kind of feel like I need to clone myself and buy 12 of everything and win the lottery before October, so if you have better advice for me — on new parenting, or twin parenting, please hit me up on Instagram, Twitter, or in the comments section of this article on the Ravishly Facebook page

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