Minds

As the headline article (“Anxiety, Depression and the American Adolescent”) points out, depression has been replaced with anxiety as the leading mental health struggle of today’s adolescent. The one possible cause that stood out to me most was the impact of social media. With smartphone in hand, teens can be reading harmless texts, or – as was the case for one young female interviewed – they could be viewing disturbing Instagram posts, or reading about distant tragedies, or scrolling through hateful Facebook comments. Maybe even comments about them.

I’m now a mom of two, and very rarely do I have a moment to myself. Just now, I had a shower and I put my baby son in the bathroom with me, because he cries if he can’t see his mom. My three-year-old daughter sleeps in my bed, and always wants to sit on my lap. I’m with at least one other person 24 hours a day.And I hate to admit it, but it’s draining. I love my children more than anything. They are my favourite humans in the world, along with my husband. The reason why I am drained is because, as an introvert, constantly being around people saps my energy.

Nostalgia is actually considered a valuable copoing mechanism for depression, anxiety, and especially grief. Plus, not only does it counteract anxious feelings, it can actually make you more hopeful about the future. No wonder a higher occurrence of nostalgic feelings are found in the most resilient people.

I am stronger than my struggle and I am worth the work it takes. I’ve survived every hard day of my life so far, and I will survive more. The chasm between surviving and thriving is faith.

I’m a person who needs to know the facts. I bring a notebook with me to every doctor’s appointment. I record important meetings. The research list for my memoir is pages long. Why should pregnancy be any different? And so the research began.

I spent most of my life, as many women do, second guessing my gut feelings. I cannot tell you how many opportunities slipped through my fingers, how many bridges were burned, and how much money I have lost or wasted because I skipped the gut feeling. But gut feelings matter just as much as reason and science. Gut feelings are part of the equation, not a separate entity to be discredited entirely just because some people don't understand.

I live with bipolar II disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, ADHD, and complex PTSD. I take Effexor, Klonopin, Depakote, and Adderall. I knew I needed to talk to my psychiatrist about what changes I’d need to make before we could try to have a baby. The chances that none of these medications would affect a growing fetus was impossible in my mind. But I never expected what Dr. G told me.

In early adulthood, the bipolar disorder that was my genetic destiny was pushed around — shuffled from doctor to doctor, city to city, misdiagnosis to misdiagnosis. Deeply distressed, consumed by sadness after the birth of my first child, they called it “postpartum depression.” If I had manic energy, they called it “drive” or “passion” or “dedication.” Snap decisions, irresponsible, risky, promiscuous behavior — it was just “life learning.” I never finished anything I started, something always got in the way.