The Definitive Halloween Survival Guide For Moms

The Definitive Halloween Survival Guide For Moms (and Dads, whoever)

The Definitive Halloween Survival Guide For Moms (and Dads, whoever)

Gosh dangit, it’s Halloween again. I feel like this happens every year. Every year we agonize over costumes. Every year we try to map a trick-or-treat route that guarantees the highest candy to terror ratio. Every year we fight over what candy they get to have immediately, tomorrow, never. I know there are a lot of people who love Halloween, I am not one of those people.

If you are also not one of those people, I have written this article for you.

The Definitive Halloween Survival Guide For Moms (and Dads, whoever):

1. Not wine

Like this is a thing people are always going straight to when there is some kind of stress.

Drink wine!

Drink lots of wine!

Pair wine and candy!

Drink more wine!

I’m just going to be the party pooper here and say no, no wine. Not because wine isn’t wonderful, but because wine and walking around in the dark don’t go very well together.

2. Have last-minute costume ideas at the ready.

It’s bound to happen. Halloween comes and your kid has either lost an integral part of their costume or suddenly hates the one you bought.

Need last-minute costume ideas? We got you covered!

2B. Stay the eff away from Pinterest.

Do not do that to yourself. There is no point in trying to put together a last-minute Dorothy costume. There are no red sparkly shoes left anywhere in the universe. See above.

3. Only buy candy you like.

People are always like “OMG BUY CANDY YOU HATE SO YOU WON’T EAT IT.” Don’t do that to yourself. That is some body-shaming bullcrap.

There will be leftovers (maybe) and if so, they should be leftovers that you love.

4. Hand out real, actual candy.

No DoTerra lozenges, no non-GMO bison jerky seasoned with angel tears. Keep it simple. Give the children what they want. And also stop them from asking why you did not give them what they want.

5. Make sure your phone is charged.

You definitely don’t want to miss any magic moments. Like the one when your 4-year-old absolutely REFUSES to wear the costume you spent 11 hours making/$65 buying.

Or when one of your greedy kids grabs the entire bowl of candy.

6. Carry hand-sanitizer.

I don’t normally advocate the overuse of sanitizing products. Our bodies do appreciate some germ exposure.


If there is any day of the year that requires hand sanitizer, this is it.

Halloween is the start of the cold and flu and every other damn thing you can imagine season. ARM YOURSELVES ACCORDINGLY.

7. Don’t put up with crap.

Your kids are already plotting ways to manipulate you into eating like ten pieces of candy before they even get home.


I mean, if you ever want to sleep again.

8. Cash out the candy

Be ready to offer your kids $5 for all that sugar.

Kids love money and you love when you don’t have to hold them down in the dentist chair while they get a filling.

You can also donate the candy and teach your kids how to be nice human beings.

9. Have Benadryl on hand

You never know when your kid might have an allergic reaction to something *wink wink*. Like SLEEP.

*I definitely did not just suggest you drug your child**.

**Only give them Benadryl if they are having an allergic reaction***.

***It is possible to be allergic to sleep.


10. Reward yourself with a nice long shower/bath.

You survived another Halloween. This calls for a celebration.

Bring candy.


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