Obama Nominates Merrick Garland For SCOTUS, Gives Zero F*cks

Today, President Obama nominated DC Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court.

Today, President Obama nominated DC Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court.

And lo! From the Rose Garden did second term President Obama speak and tell the world that he has zero fucks to give!

He did bring forth a Supreme Court Nominee with shining angel wings and a bipartisan pedigree who will make the stonewalling Senate Republicans look like total schmucks.

Today, President Obama nominated DC Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court. Garland has a long resume that looks like something Aaron Sorkin would have invented in creating the character of an unblemished nominee.

He’s a 60-something white guy, so no one can whine about affirmative action. He served as an Assistant U.S. Attorney for the District of Columbia from 1989 to 1992, and as Deputy Assistant Attorney General in the Criminal Division of the U.S. Department of Justice from 1993 to 1994 — so he has ample prosecutorial experience. Then the pièce de résistance: Garland was the chief prosecutor of the Oklahoma City bombing.

BOOM, GOP. Try talking smack about the guy who got the death penalty for homegrown terrorist, Timothy McVeigh. Dare ya!

Garland was appointed to the DC Circuit by President Bill Clinton in 1995. Then-Senate Judiciary Chair Orrin Hatch was instrumental in ushering his appointment through the Senate and he had mused about seeing Garland on the Supreme Court someday.

Hatch still sits on the Judiciary Committee. Your move, Senator.

Obama went on to talk about how Garland tutors DC students and how much everyone who works with him likes him. He finished the announcement by scolding the Senate about politicking on the Supreme Court and admonished them to be fair.

Stayed tuned for the GOP response, kids. This is going to be fun.

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