I know they really want to, but internet trolls and their fat insults (no matter how creative) don’t make me cry. One time someone told me I was a lousy selfish mother who should never have procreated, that one kind of hurt. There was the lady that called me a bigot racist piece of shit sewer rat with less morals than her dog — but she didn’t use any commas, so her opinion is null and void.
Sometimes they do make me angry. Like the time someone told me to kill my own children. I just don’t even know why any person would say that.
But the vast majority of the time, internet trolls make me laugh. They tell me my husband doesn’t want to f*&k me (or is cheating on me). They try to attack my character by telling me I’m stupid, crazy, selfish, self-centered. But mostly, they try to suffocate my self-esteem with insults about my body.
I’ve been called most of the adjectives.
But my favorite is when Mr. I-Live-In-My-Mom’s-Basement-And-Insult-Women-While-Washing-Down-Hot-Cheetos-With-A-Super-Big-Gulp-Of-Mountain-Dew-Red compares me to an object. Animate, inanimate, it doesn’t matter, any object is subject to utilization.
Here are a few of my favorite fat insults:
Beached Whale (that is a thing)
House (not the brick kind, sadly)
Hungry Hippo (also just plain hippo)
Jaba (okay, that's just stupid)
Cow (oh that’s original)
(You can see these dudes clearly didn’t take AP English.)
Unleavened bread dough (not sure why unleavened, but okey dokey)
But my very favorite insult of all time is one I just saw. Ravishly was suddenly getting a lot of traffic from a site (that I had never heard of), so I just googled “[name of site] Ravishly.” What do you know? I found the site that all of the trolls simply too stupid for Reddit packed up and moved to.
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And the first thread of impotent man-hate? Me in a swimsuit.
The title of that thread “This mayo mermaid wrote an article….” (blah blah the important part is in the first three glorious words.)
I can understand that Surgical Shitlord (Surgical Shitloard is the guy’s name, which is, to be fair, pretty clever) probably thought that was a very crafty insult. (He is probably also sad and lonely and should get some hobbies.) I’m not sure if he used mayo because it’s got a lot of fat in it? Or because I’m white? The mermaid part makes sense (kind of) because I’m wearing a bikini which might imply that I am going into water? Except I’m standing in a swimming pool and I don’t have a fin or a starfish bra or anything.
Surgical Shitlord probably figured seeing him call me a Mayo Mermaid would be devastating to my tender heart, but sadly he wasted valuable Netflix-binge hours because I LOVE IT. (I also love mayo.) Call me what you will, I care not. Hippos are cute and whales are not only apex predators, but also the largest and most astonishing creature on earth.
Is calling me a whale supposed to upset me? Have you READ Moby Dick? Screw with me, I’ll turn your whaling boat right the hell upside down and leave you floating in the ocean gnawing on the bones of your shipmates.
Did you think that telling me I'm ugly would wound me?
Here's what you don't know, I don't care if I am beautiful. Beautiful is the last item on the list of things I hope to be. A good mother. A good cook. A loving wife. Smart. Compassionate. Funny. Kind. Decent. Honest. Warm. Insightful. Maternal. Beautiful doesn't even make the top ten.
You're wasting your time.
We’ve all heard that old saying about sticks and stones and breaking bones, but never has a group of folks needed to heed it more. No one is more consistently subjected to this variety of colorful pejoratives, as us Unleavened Bread fatties.
People say the way to make your enemies angry is to ignore them, but I’d argue that the real way to get to them (past the cheeto dust and whatnot) is to embrace what they call you and turn it into something beautiful. Mayo Mermaid. Hungry Hippo. Washed Up Whale.
Fat Folks, fellow Mayo Mermaids, don't let them get to you. You're a glorious unleavened-bread-hippo-hog-whale and don't you forget it.
And a warm Rav Fam welcome to our new artist, Sanne, from Full of Freckles. We are delighted to have your superb mayo painting skills!