alone

Eight years ago, I decided to claim New Year’s Day for myself after I passed a disappointing first Christmas alone in my apartment.

“I don’t want to die alone,” I mutter to myself as I sweep the kitchen floor in my new home. These words represent my greatest fear.

It’s a Saturday morning, and I am alone. A loud silence rings in my home. It's a silence formed by my son, who is not here. There isn’t an iPad blaring with cartoons on Netflix or Hulu. The only noise is a broom raking across a linoleum floor. The sink is filled with pots and pans, remnants of a recent dinner. Alongside the casserole dishes and saucepans is a solitary plate. 

In my new home, I am alone half the time. 

The other half of my time is spent with my child. He isn’t responsible for my happiness. I want to watch him grow up, find independence, and learn to fly. I never want my fears to hold him back. 

He watched as his father and I finalized our divorce in December. He'd started splitting his time between two houses in July, when I moved in with my mother.

I did it. I finally did it. And it only took my whole family dying to get me here.

How do you deal with feeling lonely; are you okay with having alone time?

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