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Hey, guys! Remember a few months ago when I predicted that Hillary Clinton’s email troubles wouldn’t land her in prison? Well, I was totally right!

President Obama is not here for campus sexual assault. Literally.

Queen Elsa isn't the only one with magic hands anymore! Nine-year-old Karissa Mitchell was born missing part of her right hand and arm. And while she wasn’t born with a love of the movie Frozen, she certainly has plenty of that too!

Serial fans rejoice! Adnan is getting a new trial!

Most dog owners will go on at length about how cute their dogs are. Not so, Jason Wurtz of Encinco, CA. Mr. Wurtz, in fact, went the polar opposite route by leading his dog to victory in the 2016 World’s Ugliest Dog contest.

Yesterday, the big news in food science was that BUTTER ISN’T BAD FOR YOU AFTER ALL! It turns out that butter, like other saturated fats, isn’t the health demon-food that we were once told it was. I think now we’re supposed to do Kermit-arms and dance around rejoicing that we can butter our toast with impunity.

In today's SHUT UP, GOVERNMENT news: COOKIE DOUGH.

This may sound weird, but I want my own Hillary Clinton doll. I want to have her give State of the Unions on what’s in my fridge. I want to dress her up in tiny pantsuits. (I’ll place them over the one she’s already wearing.)