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Everywhere you look these days (on Instagram), beautiful pictures abound — from teacups overflowing with succulents to smoothie bowls arranged as art. All while a lavender-haired model casually eats ice cream in front of a stupidly gorgeous Tahitian sunset. All this endless beauty has become a bit dull.
Why does everyone take beautiful pictures, anyway?
Because it’s hard?
No! Because it’s easy!
What is hard is posting something truly unique, the kind of picture that makes your followers say,
Wow, that’s really, really fugly.
But have no fear. With these easy tips, you’ll be posting and pinning the fugliest pics in no time!
1. #IWokeUpLikeThis. Take a picture of yourself when you actually wake up. Bonus points for waking up still drunk, having mascara/barf-streaked cheeks, eye boogers, dried-saliva-in-the-corner-of –your mouth, and don’t forget florescent lighting brings out your dark circles.
2. #Breakfast. Scramble up a few eggs with some unidentifiable ground meat and plate in a Styrofoam to-go box. Sit on toilet to pass yesterday’s meals (multi-tasking), place Styrofoam box on lap, and take photo. Whatever you do, don’t you dare take your breakfast outside for this fugly photo op: from the toilet, in the bathroom is best.
3. #OOTD or Outfit Of The Day. Throw on as many Ed Hardy shirts and accessories as you can, enter a gas station bathroom stall (fingers crossed the walls are covered in feces and phone numbers), and snap a pic of yourself through a small, aluminum, and grimy mirror. Done.
4. #Lunch. Add mushrooms. Mushrooms are notoriously hard to beautify. Repeat step 2.
5. #WorkOut. Forget trying to have a weirdly proportioned body to make this pic fugly. All you need is a grey T-shirt, some sweat, and an armpit. The sweat doesn’t even need to be real. Just spray some water on your pits and you’re good to go. As always, the more florescent the lighting, the fuglier the pic.
6. #DinnerTime. Take whatever leftovers you have from your fugly breakfast and lunch, pour mushroom gravy on top, and serve in an old sneaker. Presto! Dinner is now worthy of your Instagram profile. Whatever you’ve had stewing in your Crock-Pot all day — will work too. Anything in a crockpot is going to be totally fugly. #ZeroEffort.
7. #NightOut. Heading out for a cocktail or two? Dive bars and truck stops are optimal places for fugly Instagram pictures. If you still find yourself at a trendy, chic place, just keep the flash on and take a few pics of empty glasses and soggy cocktail napkins. And holding your friend’s hair back while barfing into a chic bar’s toilet is guaranteed to be a fugly attraction. Toilets make everything fugly (see: steps 2 and 4). So does barf for that matter (see: step 1).
8. #NightIn. This one might be the easiest of all. Surround your laptop with empty Bud Light cans and do a Google image search for “used sofa.” A picture of that will be both fugly and depressing — guaranteed!
Fugly is a huge step up from ugly, so don’t expect your Instagram profile to transform overnight. But with a little help and a lot of practice, your profile will be a fugly rarity and the envy of family and friends.
