They’re the cutest, ugliest, ugly-cute shoes I’ve ever seen! Or wait, are they cute-ugly? Because cute-ugly is totally different from ugly-cute. I don’t really understand the difference, but I know it’s profound.
It’s official: ugly shoes are a huge trend this year. From Adidas shower slides (worn with white socks, natch!) to chunky loafers to massive snakeskin platform clogs, ugly shoes are stylish again. But when you’re out shopping, how do you tell if a shoe is ugly, cute, ugly-cute, or cute-ugly? It can be a perplexing fashion scenario to be sure.
At the risk of sounding like a hipster, I’ve loved ugly shoes since before they were cute (how’s that for a confusing sentence?), so I’m very familiar with the emotional stages of falling in love with a pair of ugly shoes.
Here’s a glimpse into the inner monologue I have every single time I become confused/enamored with some seriously ugly shoes...
Oh my God, check out those shoes. Those are uuuuugly! They look like a lizard swallowed a horse hoof and then molted. Not cute. So ridiculous. Wow. I have to get a closer look at these.
Ha! They’re even worse up close! I need to take a picture of these and send it to my friend so she can text back, “LOL NOPE.” These are really a monstrosity. How did they get through the design process without someone saying, “Umm...how about no?” They’re horrible. So bad.
Except...in certain lights are they almost...cute? Ugly-cute? Like so ugly they’re cute? Yeah maybe they’re super ugly-cute! The ugly-cutest! Like if I wore them with a super cute outfit their ugly-cuteness would provide a perfect counterpoint, an effortless balance. Ironic, but not. Ugly, but not. Cute, but not. They’re totally ugly-cute. They’re the cutest, ugliest, ugly-cute shoes I’ve ever seen!
Or wait, are they cute-ugly? Because cute-ugly is totally different from ugly-cute. I don’t really understand the difference, but I know it’s profound. Maybe they’re actually so cute that my simple primate brain isn’t fully able to process their avant garde cuteness so I just carelessly tossed them into the “ugly” category as a coping strategy for my own mental shortcomings. Didn’t they show something like this on the McQueen runway in, like, 2007? Of course they did. I’m so out of the loop. They’re so cute they boomeranged all the way back to the other end of the spectrum and became ugly. They’re so cute they’re ugly. Or so ugly they’re cute. Which one is the good one?
Do I know? Do I care?
Now I’m holding them in my arms like a baby and caressing them. I feel a little bad for them, to be honest. They’re the Ugly Duckling of this shoe section and it’s up to me to nurture them and give them love. After all, it’s hard to be ugly-cute in an ugly world that only values cute-ugly cuteness. These ugly shoes have become not just my passion, but my duty.
I’m buying them.