10 Things I Thought I'd Know How To Do By Now

When does being a grown-up happen again?

To be honest, I consider myself pretty damn good at adulting. I’m a great cook, as long as I have a recipe. I’m a self-taught professional baker. I understand the basics of budgeting and retirement savings. I’m good at keeping my inbox at zero, and staying on top of my deadlines (even if I still procrastinate like crazy). I keep a whole houseful of humans and animals alive, so I’m obviously doing a few things right.

Still, I always assumed that I would reach a certain age and be endowed with the full knowledge of adulthood. I'm married, have three kids, and a dog, and a mortgage, but I still find myself wondering how the really adulty-adults around me know how to do certain things that seem so far beyond my reach. There are things I thought I’d know by now, which I most definitely do not. Here are 10 things that are making me realize: oh shit, I'm going to have to figure this out on my own.

1. Using The Post Office.

I’m pretty sure my mother goes to the post office on a weekly basis. It is a normal part of her life. I have been once in the past 8 years, and it was an incredibly stressful experience. It seems the older I get, the worse my anxiety becomes, because I feel like a 30-year-old woman should probably not have to ask a postal worker how to send a box in the mail. So instead I avoid the situation entirely and do everything in my power to NOT send things that require using the post office.

2. Setting A Table.

I remember my grandmother asking me to set the table, and always wondering what side to put the knife on and what side to put the fork on. Do they go together? Separate sides? On the napkin? And this was with TWO utensils. Yet someday I figured I would magically know how to pull together a whole proper table setting for a dinner party.

My reality, however, has become using paper plates when people come over (ain’t nobody got time for dishes) and putting out mason jars filled with cutlery. Problem solving at its adultiest.

3. Using Bleach In The Laundry.

Every white linen, bath towel, or shirt that I own is now an off-white, dirt-tinged color, because I am terrified of using bleach in the laundry. I’m scared of ruining everything at once, so I slowly ruin everything over time. Logical.

4. Doing My Hair.

I feel like this is something I should have mastered in high school or college, to be honest. Most girls seem to have this intrinsic knowledge of how to do at least a few basic hairstyles - or at least how to curl their hair. I, on the other hand, took 28 years to figure out how to do a messy bun. Not the cute Pinterest-style messy bun, I mean like a mom-bun. I literally went almost three decades with either having my hair down and un-styled or in a ponytail. Someone help me.

5. Making A Bed.

OK, technically I can make a bed, but for some reason my bed never looks that good. I don’t know how to tuck corners or make my comforter look crisp at the edges. My pillows are always lumpy, and I can’t figure out how to arrange them. My bed gives off a very IDGAF vibe, when in fact, I care quite deeply and just can’t figure out my shit.

6. Folding Fitted Sheets.

While we’re on the topic of bedding, I always figured I would someday understand how to fold a fitted sheet. I’m one of those people who wants to fold fitted sheets. I’ve looked at those tutorials, many times. I’m convinced there is witchcraft at play there.

7. Picking A Good Bottle Of Wine.

The way I choose wine is a two-fold process:

A. Decide how much money I want to spend on wine (answer: not much)

B. Choose the bottle of wine with the label that most speaks to my soul at the moment

8. Balancing Chores.

On my wall, I have a list of rotating chores I am supposed to do. It is a grand list, which leaves nothing to chance. I follow it exactly never. I cannot figure out how to keep my house reasonably clean all the time, or even most of the time, and I’m thinking it’s time to resign myself to that fate.

9. Keeping Plants Alive.

It’s supposed to be just water and sunshine right? I am lost here.

10. Looking Like A Grown-Up.

This is one that I really truly thought would simply come with age. I thought at some point in my life I would magically start looking like a grown-up. I would pick out grown-up clothes every day, and put on grown-up makeup, and wear grown-up shoes, and look like a grown-up. However, I constantly find myself not looking like an adult professional and instead rock a consistent wardrobe which can maybe be described as hobo-grunge with mom jeans? Or leggings + things long enough to cover my butt. This along with the no hair skills is really lowering my adulting score.

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