7 Things To Do Over "Adult" Spring Break, When Actual Spring Break No Longer Exists

What to do on Adult Spring Break.

What to do on Adult Spring Break.

It’s that time of year again!

Time to hide from your kids in the bathroom! I mean… Spring break. It’s spring break!

Your dreams of vacation have been crushed — er, you've been blessed with the sacred responsibility of parenthood. That.

Gone are the days of sleeping late, lazing on the beach, and enjoying a break from your pursuit of higher education/reality. Gone are the days of Girls Gone Wild, replaced instead by the days of Mom’s Gone Bananas. Welcome to Being An Adult 101.

It's OK!


1. KonMari.

This is a great time to declutter your kitchen. And closets. All of them!

But mostly yours — and by “mostly yours,” I mean “Go hide in there.”

Tell the children that if they come in you will KonMari the shit right out of their toys. Sorry, Barbie shoes and/or Legos do NOT “spark joy.”

2. Pinterest.

If you’re trying to keep your kids busy over break, Pinterest is a great place to start. Encourage your children to pick a craft themselves. It’s good to teach kids disappointment at an early age.

Spend $41 at Michaels buying shit for said craft. Put two kids in time-out for a slap fight over whose Easter egg looks best.

Scrape Elmer’s Glue off the dining table for three weeks.


A beach in Cancun has been cruelly switched out with 27 tortuously long lines at the Happiest, Most-Expensivest Place On Earth.

Spend $375 on tickets for the whole family! Buy five $15 hamburgers.


4. Road trip!

Option A: If you simply can’t afford the Most-Expensivest Place On Earth (soooo, pretty much everyone) you can just take a day trip. There’s bound to be something fun within driving distance.

For example, a mini-golf course is a perfect opportunity to utilize Obamacare. Four stitches to the forehead of whichever kid gets hit by a rogue putter.

Thanks, Obama.

Option B: If, like me, you are lucky enough to live near a beach, grab your towels and kids (and accidentally leave the sunscreen at home). They don’t call them sandwiches for nothing.

OOPS, YOU FORGOT THE SUNSCREEN. Leave your partner at the beach with the kids, while you drive 10 miles minimum to the nearest Target. The Starbucks inside = non-negotiable.

No one wants skin cancer. You need coffee.

5. Staycation.

If your insurance deductible is $5000/you don’t like sand in your food/you hate Mickey Mouse (and/or see him for the capitalist rodent that he is), a staycation may be right for you.

A “staycation” is where you “vacation” at home.

So basically, you do nothing.

We started calling it a “staycation” because “I don’t want to take your whiny ass anywhere” doesn’t sound as benevolent.

6. Easter egg hunt.

If you celebrate Easter in any capacity, you should definitely organize an Easter egg hunt.

By “Easter egg hunt,” I mean, throw a bag of jelly beans at your kids, and hide mini-bottles of vodka all over the house for yourself.

Suddenly the Resurrection of Christ feels so meaningful.

7. Garden!

Plant one! And by “plant one,” I mean spend several hundred dollars building and filling raised beds to sow seeds that your 2-year-old is going to stomp/birds are going to eat/dogs are going to dig up.

But seriously, springtime is the perfect time for cultivating your own organic food. This is a great opportunity for kids to learn sustainability and patience, and a great opportunity for you to give them a bath with the hose.

Which might actually make up for the whole “Cancun/Disney” bait-and-switch.


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