She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
This has been the biggest mistake of my life.
I've been dating a guy for about six months. I've never been the long distance type, ever — I can barely make this work with men who live in my own city. But, I genuinely had feelings for this guy, and he pushed to keep things going.
He would message me non-stop, send me photos, songs, flowers — the works — and none of his social media pages had any evidence of a girlfriend. When we went out, he'd take pictures with me and put them on his Snapchat, and I'd send him photos when I was away (never nudes but I was in lingerie and stuff like that).
We had an argument after he went to a strip club for his birthday and was posting all these things about the strippers sending him dirty pictures and stuff. He phoned me to apologize, and I forgave him, but I was still upset.
I didn't have him added on Facebook until one day he let it slip while he was on the phone with me that he was on Facebook. So, when we hung up, I went and searched for him, only to find I was blocked. But there was a girl who had all these lovey-dovey posts with him, and they were celebrating almost THREE years together!
When I asked him about his girlfriend, he said I should give him two weeks, and he'll explain everything, and I shouldn't believe what I see on social media.
Should I tell his girlfriend? I feel like it's the right thing to do, but I'm scared. I feel like he's made an idiot out of me. He's met my brother and my sister, and not once did he feel the need to be honest with me.
I never stick around in relationships, because I'm busy finishing med school. I really feel like this guy has made me look like an idiot. I've been asked out multiple times by different men to be their side chick, and I've said no without hesitation, and now something like this happens that just kind of makes me feel like the worst kind of person.
I really don't know what to do. Should I tell the girlfriend?
UGH. This is a crappy situation. I know you feel foolish, but thank the universe you're getting out after six months. You said you feel like he’s made an idiot out of you. You’re not, but if you stay with him, you will be.
Don’t give him two weeks to explain everything.
End it. Done. Thank you very much. That’s all folks. You found out he’s a louse; cut your losses and move on.
Should you tell the girlfriend? I thought about this for awhile. Some would say she deserves to know the truth. And yes, I agree that she does.
But, in your shoes, I would just MOVE ON.
By reaching out to her online, and telling her, you are going to get dragged into the muck. If your conscience is bothering you, send her an email — short and to the point. Contacting her on Facebook gives way too much access to your world, and you don't need to let his drama darken your doorstep any longer.
Now, you’ve been intimate with this guy (I’m assuming), and he has likely been intimate with (at least) one other person during the same period. Get your vagina checked out — just in case. If you were intimate, I am hoping you used condoms, but even with condoms, certain STIs can still be transmitted.
Lastly, in the future, I think it’s a good rule of thumb to look up ALL social media profiles for people you're dating, even if they say they have none — not to be all paranoid P.I. about it, but to make sure they are who they say they are and they are not concealing anything. How many episodes of Catfish have featured a catfishing victim who believed it when the catfisher told them: "I don't have a cell phone/ Facebook/computer cam/ etc.?"
You’re obviously a bright young woman, pursuing a career in medicine.
Focus on yourself, school, and your future. Get clear with yourself about what you want in a partner, and don’t settle for less.
In the meantime, have fun (use a condom!).
If you have a question for me about relationships, boundaries, friendship, sex, contraception, Shakespeare, Dioptase, reproductive issues, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo