Sex + Love

I’ve heard that you learn something new in every relationship you have in life, and I guess that’s true. But I actually learned more in my recent breakup with my ex of nearly a year than I did in the relationship itself. And they were some lessons I really needed.

Don’t want your relationship to stagnate? Then make spontaneity a priority. The scope of your spontaneous activities doesn’t matter as much as the frequency.

Our culture is so preoccupied with The Other, and the obsession with falling in love with a foreigner is just another manifestation of that. But I quickly found out that falling in love with someone from another country is not all fun and glory.

My Life Partner and I are both divorced and know firsthand what a “relationship failure” looks and feels like. And, we both chose to end our respective previous marriages for that very reason. After being together for over three years our emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy continues to grow tremendously. This has resulted in a sense of continuing fulfillment beyond anything either of us have previously experienced. Yet, we are not likely to ever get married or say those tear-inducing vows.

It’s frustrating that most identities on the asexuality spectrum are qualified by a “lack” of something — desire, intimacy, attraction. I wonder, what might happen for demisexual (or asexual) people if we turn our focus toward what relationships contain, rather than what they’re missing.

I never thought that I would be the sort of girl who would take part in infidelity, but I have cheated six times. Before the first time, I told myself that if I got to the point where I wanted to step out on my partner, I would end the relationship before I crossed the line. I told myself that the emotional damage that I would inflict on my partner would far surpass any thrill. I told myself I would feel immeasurable guilt.

As I said my goodbyes to my parents, I pleaded with them to help me leave him. "Please, you've seen what is going on," I said to them. "You've seen him. I can't live like this anymore. I can't do this any longer. Please help me." My mother gave me a hug, kissed my kids, and wished me well in working things out. "Just try a little harder. It takes effort to learn how to be a good wife and you've always been a little difficult," she said before closing my car door.

The building pressure of trying to find security and a future on my own, compounded with my heartbreak, caused me to snap.