Kate Ryan

The bread had to be store-bought and white, of course, so as not to raise a red flag among my classmates. I still see rebellion in a ham sandwich.

My tights are cutting me in half at the waist . . . just like a sausage in its casing.

I would send some chocolates, but I’m not allowed anymore since they found the shiv in the birthday cake I sent you.

The case of beer I brought, as my mother explained, is “pure poison” and so I must drink it all by myself.

At Monster High, Jimmy Werewolf gets another demerit for forgetting to shave again.

Someone would always cook in their tighty whities, his package at eye level for the person doing French homework at the kitchen table.

Light some candles and use those bath salts you've been saving for a special occasion. Masturbate for 55 minutes.

His mind rode the lines, circling on an endless loop to nowhere as he attempted to go about his activities.

We’ve all been there. Your boyfriend has a raging boner, but you’re just not in the mood to do anything with it. But how do you tell him to tone that boner down and quick? No need to worry. Here are ten simple, foolproof ways to kill that boner in ten seconds—or less—while keeping your man’s ego rock-hard.

"No self-respecting journalist or publication would ever hire someone who employs the word 'sh--' as a title for anything."