Kate Ryan

I saw my old babysitter at a women’s wrestling cage match.

Motherhood is easily the toughest, most sacred job on earth. Without moms, the human race simply wouldn’t be here. But personally, I’d rather dangle myself from dental floss over a volcano full of spiders than push another human being out of my body.

Eva, having stayed up the whole night preoccupied with death and time, planned to call in sick.

She couldn’t imagine the water she sat in, the water that enveloped her body, wanted to be here.

“Don’t you smash that cake in my face, or I’ll never forgive you,” she said, and she never did, not really.

He thought I was mad, but in an artistic way; I thought he was horny all the time, but in an artistic way.

I would send some chocolates, but I’m not allowed anymore since they found the shiv in the birthday cake I sent you.

Light some candles and use those bath salts you've been saving for a special occasion. Masturbate for 55 minutes.

She knows you’re not supposed to call it an “it,” but she honestly can’t tell if it’s a boy or girl or . . . undecided.

You could take this easy, informative quiz to find out with whom you side on important legislative issues and social policies. Or you could go my route and pick your candidate based on what dinosaur they resemble.