Kate Ryan

I saw my old babysitter at a women’s wrestling cage match.

For the record, I didn’t mean to be born so tall. I didn’t ask for bulky shoulders or a head that doesn’t fit most hats.

There are some hipster things that hipsters want us to love, so we’ll join their cult. But we’re done falling for these things because we’re all unique individuals. Here are 10 things you need to avoid right now if you don’t want to be a hipster.

The bread had to be store-bought and white, of course, so as not to raise a red flag among my classmates. I still see rebellion in a ham sandwich.

It was a tradition of theirs. When siblings Sue and Johnny went home to their mother’s for Christmas, they watched the 11 o’clock local news.

One crawled up the side of the bag and opened her wings, a hardtop convertible with legs.

Motherhood is easily the toughest, most sacred job on earth. Without moms, the human race simply wouldn’t be here. But personally, I’d rather dangle myself from dental floss over a volcano full of spiders than push another human being out of my body.

LAX, on the other hand, seemed like a perfect place to pick up the latest deadly virus.

Light some candles and use those bath salts you've been saving for a special occasion. Masturbate for 55 minutes.

I have no choice but to start all over again, tomorrow or not at all.