There have been only two truly standout lovers in my sordid, magical, slutty past: My college boyfriend (who was also a douchebag) and my current partner (who is not a douchebag. He is very lovely).
What set these two, extremely different individuals apart was a nuanced set of sexual skills that blew my freaking mind. Both dudes could/can play my vagina like a fiddle. Both of them understood how to make sex more than sex, but passion incarnate.
You don’t even have to be a good person to be incredible at sex, apparently (my ex proves this). You just have to understand the human experience and be empathetic.
There are obvious things that make someone great in bed: Understanding of human anatomy, asking the right questions, a willingness to try new, kinky stuff. But there are more subtle things, too.
Being an excellent lover has a lot less to do with knowing what a clitoris is and instead, understanding that every clit is different. There are certain golden rules that every amazing lover stands by.
Here are 7 habits that make someone good in bed:
1. Approaching sex with a sense of empathy and emotional intelligence
Being sexually adept means understanding the emotions of the person you’re with and treating them with empathy and love over judgment. A person who makes you feel both comfortable and sexy is a person you want to fuck. It’s a person you want to try weird shit with.
Thinking of sex as a journey between two people, rather than just a quick way to get your rocks off makes you better in bed. It just does.
2. Attention to detail
A person who pays attention to what is happening in front of their eyes (and faces), will always be a superior lover.
Obviously, getting too wrapped up in the finer points of lovemaking, wanting to talk about every occurrence in detail is not exactly sexy, but when a person remembers that you liked to be touched in a certain way or enjoy a little extra something here and there, it’s very hot. It makes you feel important and feeling important is a turn on.
3. Approaching every sexcapade with an understanding of erotic nuance
There is something decidedly delicious about a person who can communicate his or her desires without a word. Whether it be a touch, a breath, or a deep husky sound; sometimes actions speak louder than words.
There is a difference between sex and eroticism. Sex is an action, eroticism is emotion. Bringing that deeply sensual aspect to sex makes it so much more passionate. Orgasms, galore!
4. Never missing out on oral
I’m a firm believer that you can’t be truly superb in bed if you don’t like oral sex. It’s such an integral part of the sexual episode. Sex is a total sensory experience: Touch, sound, smell, and taste are all elements to be explored. Oral sex is hot, but someone who really LOVES doing it makes it even more wonderful.
I don’t think I could be with someone who wasn’t willing to go down on me. It’s my favorite thing in the world. Could you handle it?
If you don’t know what you like or how you like to be touched, you can’t possibly be good at sex. You can’t give any direction. Half the time you’re doing it will be spent fumbling around seeing if things work for you.
The only way to get to know what you want it by masturbating. We have to give ourselves permission to explore our bodies. Masturbating is healthy and good for the spirit. Don’t deprive yourself. It makes you better at partner sex to enjoy self-love, too.
6. Selflessness (But also a little selfishness, too)
Sex is often about teetering on the edge of giving and receiving. It’s about towing the line of selfishness and selflessness, the desire to please and the desire to explore one’s own interests.
A standout lover is one who can maneuver this fine balance with grace. If you’re too giving, your partner might get tired of always being in control; if you’re too demanding, you run the risk of forgetting your partner’s sexual needs.
If you want to tie your partner up, perhaps you make sure this is something he or she would derive pleasure from. Maybe you love giving oral sex, but also love getting it.
If you know how to masterfully explore all realms of erotic pleasure — taking what you want, but also giving what the other person needs — you automatically have an advantage.
7. Exploring complementary sexual interests
Having complementary interests in bed is critical to a fulfilling sexual experience. If one person enjoys being spanked, it would be unfortunate if his or her lover did not enjoy spanking; if you want to role play, it would be awkward if your partner was not about that.
Another vital element is a willingness to explore interests outside of your comfort zone. Perhaps you aren’t sure if buttplay is your thing — being willing to give it a try (even if you wind up hating it) already makes you a good lover. Sex shouldn’t be this stressful, serious thing. It should be a fun way to try new things in a safe way.