I couldn’t listen to another puerile sales pitch in someone’s living room, promising the moon and then selling you something that “tastes just like sugar.” (It doesn’t. Not even sort of.)
That’s all the warning you’ll get for this one.
If you are an American woman, because I can’t officially speak for other countries who may or may not have similar circumstances, you have been invited, and have probably attended, a home-based alternative medicine meeting.
A home-based alternative medicine meeting is where someone you know is selling something you either already have or never thought you needed and they will bring someone into their house to do a song and dance about why you not only need it, but your life will improve because of it.
Think of it as LARPing informercials.
I have an EO that will cure orcs….
The thing with home-based alternative medicine meetings is that they suck. So much. I have no love for home-based alternative medicine meetings, and real friends don’t invite me.
My snark is available in glossy catalog form with a tear-out page in the back for subscriptions. Pro-level snark, my friends.
There was one year when an essential oils company got ahold of my church, and I went to a different essential oils meeting every few weeks forever. I have watched these meetings showcase healing oils to cure headaches (fine), aches and pains (totally helpful), necklaces that cure epilepsy (wait), and diets that cure sciatica (what?).
Yeah, so anyway, that was when alternative medicine meetings really, finally jumped the shark for me. I was done. I couldn’t listen to another puerile sales pitch in someone’s living room, promising the moon and then selling you something that “tastes just like sugar.” (It doesn’t. Not even sort of.)
We have all been there, and I know some people who love these meetings so much they have made it a part of their life. And more power to those ladies! It brings them joy in life, and I can’t disagree with that on any level.
However...the rest of us are stuck with mystery vials, amber necklaces, and gluten-free cakes with the density of Krypton.
What do you do with all this stuff?
I’ll tell you what you do:
10 Alternative Uses For Alternative Medicines:
1. Essential Oils
We’re getting the big guns out of the way first.
If you are a friend of mine who uses essential oils, I just want to tell you that I love you. But maybe you should skip to the part where I tear apart amber teething necklaces…
I think essential oils are really amazing oils. No two ways about it, they function in pretty amazing ways. I think you can burn warts off with the lavender, or maybe it was the basil? Even if you have a cold, the aromatherapy is very helpful. But I draw the line when they start curing epilepsy or sciatica. I seriously draw the line when women tell me they spray their backyard chickens with lavender essential oils. It is just snake oil and crazy women at that point.
So — what do you do with the bottles you are stuck with? Because you bought a few bottles to support your friend. I know it.
Lavender: Use a carrier pigeon to carry it away.
Frankincense: This is a great anti-fungal oil, and you can spray it on windows — or Facebook — to wipe the smug off.
Peppermint, Grapefruit, Chamomile, Lemon: Apparently, this is helpful for mood-enhancing. Possibly time-travel.
Tea Tree Oil: Great for healing and re-growing limbs.
Essential Oils for Cats: Because they weren’t imperious enough, as it was. I would suggest rosemary, if you must. Or lemon. Honestly, if you are putting essential oils on your cats, maybe you should ask them what they like.
It is important to remember that essential oils do have the ability to turn you into a vampire, and will render you unable to stand in direct sunlight after applying.
2. Coconut Oil
The ugly step-sister to essential oils, coconut oil will cure diabetes, help you lose 50 pounds, and fix your broken sprinklers.
Experts in the field highly suggest using coconut oil to lubricate sticks lodged in difficult places.
3. DIY Everything
Have you ever thought, “I could probably make that”? Sure! We all have!
Have you ever thought, “I should make my own sunscreen?” or “I should build my own goat”? Of course you have, and you have a Pinterest page to prove it.
If you say things like, “This is like soap,” then it isn’t soap.
An alternative use for something that is like soap could be to plant it in the ground and grow a Sanctimoni-Tree that produces it’s own Self-Righteous Sap.
4. Amber Teething Necklaces
You can chew on them all day long, and they still won’t give you the DNA you need to make dinosaurs.
Might as well just hang them on your rear-view mirror.
Sugar could possibly be the downfall of Western civilization.
It could be.
Is it really an alternative medicine, though? Well, Mary Poppins thought so…and are you going to argue with Mary Poppins? Have you seen anybody argue with Mary Poppins? Of course not. Because, technically, they don’t exist anymore.
If you know someone who believes sugar is the work of the Devil, and thinks it is completely normal to make birthday cakes out of whipped cashews, palm oil, coconut oil, olive oil, and almond paste…then maybe they need to step slowly away from the naturopath cookbook they bought at an MLM meeting, and remember that sugar is actually OK. It’s OK. We’ll all just say that together: sugar is not our enemy.
But these Pinterest alternative recipes sure are.
Because saying something is like a cake does not make it a cake. It makes it a gray, gelatinous goo in a cupcake liner that has the consistency of toothpaste.
And no one should blow out a birthday candle in toothpaste.
Oh yes. The Gluten.
Gluten is also not the downfall of Western civilization. Gluten-free is not the alternative to life.
Simply put, anything replacing gluten is an alternative to taste.
I don’t have a choice in the matter, but you still do! Go! Save yourselves from the overabundance of rice flour and potato starch!
An alternative use for gluten-free cinnamon rolls: solar panel epoxy.
Gluten-free pasta may be used for: fish bait
Gluten-free tortillas could possibly substitute for: bridal wedding veils.
7. Fermented Anything
For a while, anything fermented would cure anything. A cold? Autism? Measles? The pox? Syphilis? Fermented green beans will cure them all through the magic of ferment.
If you have to hide something in the back of a hot closet in a pot for three weeks, then bring it out and try to convince me that it is the best wet moss I have ever tasted, I am going to tell you my opinions on the matter. And unlike your 3-month-old, mostly-forgotten sauerkraut, my opinions are fresh and zesty.
Fermented foods can be great. Truth be told, I do love me some good sauerkraut. From a jar. That I bought. From a store. That has the FDA backing it up.
The back of someone’s pantry that has mice and pantry moths traveling through it does not.
So, what else can we do with the thousands of mason jars filled with seasonal vegetables, fermented with milk and forgotten in time?
You back slowly away and do not make eye contact with the jar.
8. Any Drink That Rhymes With Pink.
If you think
that rhymes with pink
might help you shrink…
Perhaps an alternative use for the money you spent
would be better used, in a large percent,
On a bridge I have to sell
through a certified London cartel.
9. Bone Broth
Bone broth is not an anagram for bourbon.
There is no alternative to hugs. Apply liberally and with great umph.
You will cure many ills and ailments with this one, though.