Differences in sexual desire among couples are very common.
It’s a tough conversation. One of you wants more sex, and the other probably hasn’t realized there was a problem. They’re not interested in more sex, or maybe they’re not interested in sex in general.
But it’s a conversation that needs to happen.
Constantly asking for, or trying for, something the other person doesn’t want to give can be frustrating and rapidly confidence depleting. On the other hand, trying to give something you’re not interested in giving can be harrowing and unfulfilling.
That’s why you need to talk about it.
Sure, “owning” differing sex drives can be tough. Admitting you no longer feel interested in sex, or asking your partner for more frequent or experimental sex, can be difficult to do without one of you feeling shamed.
But this shame is for NO REASON.
Two different people, with different bodies and desires, aren’t going to be 100% compatible 100% of the time. For this reason, we’ve put together the key factors to consider when discussing different sex drives with your partner.
Talk about it. Don’t consider it a “problem,” and don’t turn it into an argument. It’s normal, and it’s certainly understandable.
Don’t use blame, and don’t take it personally.
This is number one for a reason, and it goes both ways.
The person wanting more sex should remember their partner’s “lack” of interest might have nothing to do with them — it might be hormones, stress, tiredness, or other factors. And, for this reason, blame should have nothing to do with this conversation.
Don’t jump to conclusions (maybe they no longer want me) and don’t put the entire responsibility onto the other person. Think about what might you be able to do to make things more exciting.
For the person on the receiving end, it’s just as important to keep things impersonal. Don’t get defensive or take your partner’s needs as a personal attack on your performance or sex life.
Differences in sexual desire among couples are very common, author and relationship therapist Michele Weiner-Davis told Psychology Today. “Although it is hard to have your advances rejected repeatedly without taking it personally, you need to remind yourself that a partner’s lack of interest in sex just may not be about you, your attractiveness, or your qualities as a human being. Chances are, given the choice, he or she would prefer to feel turned on easily. The situation hurts you, but don’t underestimate how painful it is for your partner.”
Make it more about connection, less about sex.
For men and women, physical attraction can be inextricably linked with personal connection. For this reason, it might be helpful to suggest doing more things together that aren’t sex. Date nights, weekend adventures, exercise, etc.
These can all be natural aphrodisiacs, in that they help re-kindle the connection between you as a couple. This closeness will likely lead to enhanced kinkiness.
“One of the most underrated ways to increase trust and ditch fear in your relationship (which hinders intimacy during sex) is to really work on developing a solid, always-evolving friendship with your partner,” relationship coach Bernardo Mendez told Mind Body Green. “When your relationship is a safe space to share, be and express without being judged, your ability to offer more and surrender without reservations in the bedroom greatly increases.”
Get in touch with your own bodies.
When it comes to sex drive in particular, masturbation is not a dirty word.
It can help boost sex drive by stimulating and working all the nerve fibers and blood vessels responsible for arousal. For women in particular, masturbation can help you identify the places and pressure points that feel best when stimulated. This knowledge can then transfer to a more pleasurable time in the bedroom.
Once again, don’t take masturbation personally.
“Since your sex drives are so disparate, it’s unreasonable for you to expect your spouse to take care of each and every desire,” Weiner-Davis said. “You need to take responsibility for satisfying your own needs from time to time. In all likelihood, you are already doing this but you may be resentful about it. That’s not good or fair.”
Try something… different?
Role playing, pornography… Pegging?
There are so many (too many?) options when it comes to fulfilling different needs and desires in the bedroom. By introducing costumes or props, or dirty talk and experimentation, into your sex life, you and your partner might create a more intense sense of excitement and urgency when it comes to getting your rocks off.
In this communication is, once again, key. Talk about your fantasies, educate yourself on the possibilities, and keep a relaxed sense of humor — this (particularly the relaxed element) is likely very necessary when it comes to experimenting with something like pegging.